Hold fast

Hold Fast

'To bear down, grit it out, stay the course'

Sometimes all we seem to have is to Hold Fast.

It's a peculiar transition that we adopters make. Bright young open minded things that throw ourselves into the Social Care system. Or at least open the door and let them in. We dance to their tune because they are the gatekeepers the bureaucrats with the power to grant us our wishes. It's all good with our clean houses and nice biscuits. We tell them a palatable version of our lives and pass to try and achieve approval.

We accept that we have to wait and we Hold Fast as we wait for Panel, then we Hold Fast as we patiently wait for a match. We Hold Fast again and again and again

But then, a year or two down the line we realise that they have our lives. We are woven into a system that can be very hard to extract ourselves from. Even if we wish to extract ourselves they remain gatekeepers to our children's welfare, CAHMS, Schools, Health, Adoption Support Fund, Post Adoption Support, heaven forbid Child Protections Services.

This is my life, this is my child's life and when come off the phone to this professional or another often all we seem to have is to Hold Fast. 
While we wait for news or the next visit we Hold Fast. 
While we hope it'll be a 'yes' not a 'no' we hold fast. 
I've said it before, for a professional a 'call next week' is 37.5 hours away with lots to do in between. For us it's 168 hours away and all we can do is Hold Fast.

The families of our children remain influential, decisions they make echo into our lives and we Hold Fast. Other children are born bringing uncertainty and difficult questions and again we Hold Fast.

It's not to down play Holding Fast, it got us through the dark days of '07, very very dark months and year. 

People often ask me for advice, all I have is Hold Fast. 

Postscript
A few hours after I'd given out my sage advice the phone rang, once again uncertainty and questions tumble into out lives. Lots of question with no answers and we're waiting again, holding the tensions. 
Again, I find myself Holding Fast. 

Truth, Lies and Social Workers

A twitter conversation drew me into thinking about the murky world of the information that we are given as adopters. It reminded me of a lesson we had at the beginning of out journey.

Mrs C and I were allocated our very own Independent Social Worker. The BBC* had commissioned her to just look after us and make sure that we negotiated the adoption process without mishap. It was a rather interesting experience; she had no managers breathing down her neck; no hoops to jump through; no gates to keep or agenda other than supporting us through the process. We would ask questions and she’d give us answers, no ducking, diving, flannel or patter.

It became a little more interesting when we then asked our assessing Social Workers (yes, we had two at the same time) the same questions. What we discovered was that there was an interesting difference between the actual Regulations and Guidance and the policies and practices of our assessing authority. They weren’t massive differences but enough highlight the influences that Social Workers are subject to. What was more interesting was that practice and policy wasn't described as such more that it was the 'law'.
The Law that unquestionable entity that just 'is'.

The question I asked on Twitter this week was quite simple.

"Has anyone requested an Assessment of Need prior to the introduction of the Adoption Support Fund?"

I was surprised by the range of responses that I got when I asked the question:

Some told of Social Workers having never heard of it or having the assessment but never receiving the paperwork for a year after it or waiting up to 18 months for the assessment to start. Adopters being sent on courses as a substitute for the assessment and then being told they were anxious parents. Others of having the assessment but to no effect or others describing having to strong arm the LA into carrying it out. The conversations spiralled and danced around the topic touching on adopter's parenting capacity being questioned and  having asked for an assessment resulting in delayed Adoption Orders.

Though assessments of support needs have been a duty of local authorities since 2005** knowledge of them has not been passed wide and far. I ask you how many adopters sit of an evening and think "I know I'll brush up on some legislative frameworks". It seems that only now, due to the introduction of the ASF, is its existence being widely publicised and is entering into the general knowledge of the adoption community.

Culture, practice, policy, pressure from managers, budgets and the foibles and quirks of their employers have huge implications for the quality of the service that Social Workers can and do give. But also the information that they are given and then pass on to service users. Often they are the bearers of bad news, unhelpful policies or decisions born out of budget restraints rather than good practice. It's crap to be given bad news by a Social Worker I assure you it's crap giving bad news too.

Until now how much have we asked of Adoption Support Services? Many have just given up asking. But now at the very least the ASF has made us aware of their duty* to assess our needs and at this point we are seeing services that may be struggling or may be adapting to this requirement. Infuriating and heartbreaking for parents, equally so for the Social Worker that has to manage our requests and expectations against the directions and decisions of their managers and employers.

Reflecting on the implications of all of this my suspicion is that any weaknesses, mishaps and bureaucratic failings of the Adoption Support Fund are going to wash up at the door of Social Workers. Maybe some of that is deserved, maybe not. Perhaps our anger and difficult questions should be directed at those higher up the ladder, maybe right to the top.

One of Noam Chomsky's theories of manipulation, the problem-reaction-solution model, describes the idea of creating problems through neglect then offering solutions in the guise of privatisation of public services. Perhaps this will be the future of adoption support.
Perhaps not, it's just a thought.

The lesson I learnt from my BBC Social Worker was that we should not accept all that is told to us, to look closer and get good and impartial advice.

The lesson I learnt from questioning/interrogating my children is only ask them questions I know the answer to.

*The BBC followed us through the adoption process from 1998 to 2002 for a 6 part documentary on adopters and adoption.

**The Adoption Support Service Regulations 2005 -  Section 13 & 14 (click link)

Sarah

Sarah was brought into care aged four and moved into her adoptive home one week off her sixth birthday. Now twenty one she describes some of her thoughts and feelings.





Sarah discusses her experiences of re establishing contact with her birth family in adulthood.

An Opinion

I watched a video clip today that argued, amongst other things, that adoption is about “finding families for children rather than children for families”. 

However, I consider it mistake to view contemporary adoption in these terms.

The primacy of children's wellbeing  runs through all adoption legislation and guidance. It is critical that the needs and desires of these adopters cannot be allowed to fade into the background while adoption agencies, and public opinion, are coerced into shifting the focus wholly to finding families for children.

There are a myriad of reasons that lead people to adopt which leaves me reluctant to generalise. However, a large majority are unable to conceive,  either alone or with their partner, and this leads them into the adoption process. 

To relegate their hopes, aspirations and needs to second place or a guilty desire is unjust and is potentially storing up trouble for the new families.

I believe that the six month timeframe for the assessment of prospective adopters reinforces this view that we are finding families for children. Swift approvals run the risk of focusing on approval and placing children rather than on a measured assessment of prospective adopters, of their strengths and weaknesses.
I agree that there should be no unnecessary delay but I also believe that there is a role for necessary delay.

Prospective adopters can bring a variety of experiences to the process, the loss of childlessness, pain of miscarriage or the torture of multiple unsuccessful rounds of IVF treatment to name the most common. 

A lot is asked of prospective adopters, the challenges of parenting children in modern society are numerous. Adding to this are the often complex needs of the children and the peripheral pressures that that adopters can face from birth families, their own families, schools and friends. 

To carry open wounds and unrealistic expectations into parenting is not going to help. Sometimes a little time is needed.

We are finding families for children and children for families. To see it in any other terms is a harmful mistake

I am aware that this is just my opinion. If you feel I'm off the mark then I'm more than happy to be persuaded otherwise. 
For the record, I am not a Adoption Social Worker and have no vested interest or axe to grind.

Let's have a Party

Tomorrow we're having a party and it has been a long time coming.

A little back story.

In the Summer of 2011 we found out through birth family members that birth mum was pregnant.

Circumstances had not changed and we all knew that in all probability that the baby would come into care and be placed for adoption.

We strongly felt she should come to us to be with her two big sisters.

We spoke to Social Workers, we spoke to the head of service and they all agreed off the record that the likelihood was that she would be placed for adoption and that it made sense for her to join us.

Call it risk averse, call it appropriate caution but we would not be allowed to foster to adopt. We could officially be told nothing as we where not related and it was confidential.

A wise friend said "don't make this a crusade" so we stepped back.

So, we waited and tried to pretended that we didn't know what was happening.

Through family members we saw the photos and the videos and waited silently.

She learnt to crawl and we saw the video.

We waited

She learns to speak words.

Still we waited and watched milestones pass.

A year after she was born the plan was finalised and we were formally asked to express interest.
So we did.

We tell Flossy and Lotty, they can't wait.

We started our fourth PAR assessment and tried not to be complacent. This was a very familiar process with an adoption panel member and a student social worker ex panel member being assessed.  I felt mild pity for our Social Worker.

We waited for the court date to free Peanut for adoption.......and waited.
It comes.

The pictures continued to come through and she's walking.

We would be approved and matched at the same panel............we waited for the day.

The day came and we were passed............we waited for the ADM to decide and he did.

We waited for the introductions.

Then we stopped waiting and we met the little girl that had been ours long before this moment.

Two years after being told that she existed she walked and talked into our lives, a joy and a gift.

Tomorrow we're gathering friends and family and coming together to celebrate and to ask for God's blessing over her life.

We'll thank God for her and we'll thank friends and family for waiting with us.

Adoption Panel

I girded my loins and watched Wanted a Family of My Own on the telly against my better judgement.  Watching reminded me of our own patchy experience of Panels and the trials and tribulations that they inflict on prospective adopters.

First Panel - Approval
We were deferred at our first approval panel, we weren't invited, it was a long time ago before meeting us seemed important. We wanted 2, 3 or more siblings. Clearly no one in their right mind would want to do that. Panel can't approve someone not in their right mind so we were deferred for that reason and suspicions that we were religious zealots.

Second Panel - Approval
However, after a 4 month re assessment by a new Social Worker they took our case back to panel. We stayed at home, our phone was unknowingly broke and we waited and waited and waited with friends. Hours passed then a taxi arrived and told us to fix the phone. The Social worker rang and we were passed.

Third Panel - Match
Two months later we waited by the phone as the matching panel did their thing. Having had mixed results at panel we were naturally sceptical of our Social Workers reassurances. However the call came and we were parents to the Big one, Gracie and Ginger, 6, 3 and 20 months.

Fourth Panel - Fostering
Several years later we decided to foster, so off to panel again, well waiting by the phone again. Surprise surprise deferred again. Concerns that we'd become too attached and not be able to move them on, as if.

Fifth Panel - Fostering
We're through, with a recommendation that we don't have babies placed, which seemed fair enough.

So long story short, Flossy and Lotty, 15 months and 3 months arrived shortly after, we fall in love, court case, mess, court case, mess, blah, what the hell, lets adopt them.

Sixth Panel - Approval and Matching 
So we sit outside this time waiting to go in, times have changed. We are waiting for the judge to rule at the county court that morning so the wee ones can be freed for adoption so the Panel can make approval then match. So, we wait, no word from the court, we miss our slot, we wait, still no word,  panel finishes, we wait, no ruling and we go home crestfallen, heartbroken. We break the news to the big three......................a dark day at Coates Towers

More court dates, judge rules, introductions with others, trauma, loss, disaster, judge rules again and the adoption is back on.

Seventh Panel - Approval and Matching
One year to the day, I kid you not, we sit waiting to go and be approved and matched at panel. We are ready for a fight. We will take all comers and are furious, Flossy and Lotty belong to us and we defy anyone to say otherwise. The Panel thank us for what we have endured and match and approve.
We are relieved and overjoyed but the experiences of the last year have taken a toll that last to this day.

Much water under the bridge, Mrs C and I volunteer on adoption panels, I train as a Social worker and so on and so forth.
Then, along came Peanut and thats another story for another blog.

Eighth Panel- Approval and Matching
Well by now, Mrs C and I have experience of being on Panel and there is no mystery. But the feeling that you get when they say yes was undiminished. We did it. Peanut is ours and we are hers.

I am by nature a pragmatist and I understand the need for Panel and I understand the decisions they make.
Sitting on Panel I've read through Prospective Adopter Reports and had concerns born from hard learned experience. I've worried about lack of knowledge and blind naivety. I've sat in discussions where enthusiasm and optimism have been weighed against reality and challenge.
Panels are a trial for Social Workers and prospective adopters alike but lives, hopes and futures are at stake. I've witnessed adopter deception and seen the havoc it can wreak.

So for all we've had a mixed experience, as have many, I would defend panels.