Little Man

I often find myself having imaginary arguments with people at three o'clock in the morning. I'm fighting some comment that pushed me over the edge or I'm railing against the dominant education paradigm that is trying to shoehorn my child into an educational onsie. I find myself quoting wiser minds, current research, government guidance and policy, all arguments and agents of bureaucratic nonsense resolve as I cut through their arguments like a scythe. I'm not loud or aggressive just an unstoppable force powered by a irresistible logic.

I'm marvellous, an über adopter, a member of the elite forces of the adoption world, no one can resist my knowledge and logic, they must yield. I'm an adoption wünderkind,  I'm blogger of the bleeding year and the bleeding year before that, I'm a social worker, I'm a grown up! They do yield, having seen the error of their ways. I'm gracious in victory, offer to share my insight and knowledge with them and their team and they gratefully agree.

It's three o'clock in the morning and I'm rehearsing another meeting with another professional. Words racing around my head again. I fall into an uneasy sleep and wake tired. I'm such a fantasist, I'm pretty sure it's going to be tricky and I've got a knot in my stomach again. I visit the toilet, then again. I can't even remember why I called the meeting, my blood was up about something, my blood is now very down!

I wish we'd scheduled this meeting for 3 am, I was on fire! But alas no. It's just stupid old me, sloppy unconvincing words and half baked arguments as I give in to my sense of  intimidation, I prattle on in an ineffectual way about this and that. I've become the definition of pathetic, they take pity and show mercy. They've got some good ideas, mine are pretty lame.

I go home, thank goodness that's over. I might start a blog about gardening.

Hold fast

Hold Fast

'To bear down, grit it out, stay the course'

Sometimes all we seem to have is to Hold Fast.

It's a peculiar transition that we adopters make. Bright young open minded things that throw ourselves into the Social Care system. Or at least open the door and let them in. We dance to their tune because they are the gatekeepers the bureaucrats with the power to grant us our wishes. It's all good with our clean houses and nice biscuits. We tell them a palatable version of our lives and pass to try and achieve approval.

We accept that we have to wait and we Hold Fast as we wait for Panel, then we Hold Fast as we patiently wait for a match. We Hold Fast again and again and again

But then, a year or two down the line we realise that they have our lives. We are woven into a system that can be very hard to extract ourselves from. Even if we wish to extract ourselves they remain gatekeepers to our children's welfare, CAHMS, Schools, Health, Adoption Support Fund, Post Adoption Support, heaven forbid Child Protections Services.

This is my life, this is my child's life and when come off the phone to this professional or another often all we seem to have is to Hold Fast. 
While we wait for news or the next visit we Hold Fast. 
While we hope it'll be a 'yes' not a 'no' we hold fast. 
I've said it before, for a professional a 'call next week' is 37.5 hours away with lots to do in between. For us it's 168 hours away and all we can do is Hold Fast.

The families of our children remain influential, decisions they make echo into our lives and we Hold Fast. Other children are born bringing uncertainty and difficult questions and again we Hold Fast.

It's not to down play Holding Fast, it got us through the dark days of '07, very very dark months and year. 

People often ask me for advice, all I have is Hold Fast. 

Postscript
A few hours after I'd given out my sage advice the phone rang, once again uncertainty and questions tumble into out lives. Lots of question with no answers and we're waiting again, holding the tensions. 
Again, I find myself Holding Fast.