Grounded

At 3:10pm this afternoon my heart could almost burst with the recalled anticipation of the 10 year old me waiting for the last school bell of the year. How I feel now is more complex but I can still recall that giddy anticipation.
Our summer holidays are different now but I'll not bore you with our standard summer holiday shenanigans, japes and tom foolery other than the grand finale of last years summer holidays. When Mrs C, having being driven to the very edge of herself and beyond, grounded Flossy and Lotty for a whole year.

Yes, a whole year.

Mrs C is not a woman to be messed with and has on many occasions has left me open mouthed with her shear audacity in many contexts. On this day I was left breathless at the range and scope of the punishment she declared. In fairness it was the evening of the last day of the summer holidays so on reflection it was limited in its actual impact. Though quite a shock to the girls.

After the dust settled, and that took some time, Flossy reframed the punishment as a badge of honour it being the longest grounding that any of her friends had ever heard of, come to think of it that any of us had ever heard of.

Realistically the terms of the grounding have become open to interpretation as we reach the 11th month of the term. Also, football has always been a 'protected activity' in Coates towers and is never subject to sanctions or threatened removal so that did not fall into the scope of grounding. Basically they were no longer allowed into the community alone, or together.

To protect the innocent I shall spare you the gritty details of the misdemeanour. However the long and the short of it being that it set in motion a chain of events that lead us to today, a week from moving home.

Loss

I try to make my ramblings upbeat and I can assure many aspects of life in Coates Towers is positive. Of late it seems like there’s been a lot of tricky stuff going on for the kids and us. Re reading my posts I wonder if my blog should be titled ‘How not to adopt’ or ‘101 things about adoption you never cared to ask’.

This is our life at the moment and it reflects my belief that to adopt is to embrace sadness at some level. Even in the most successful, harmonious and straightforward adoption* at its heart lies an unavoidable sadness. We live with this tension and it’s varying manifestations in our lives day by day. It's the cup we drink from.

Added to our measure this week was the death of a close family friend. Over the last 8 years she had been an invaluable and unique source of support, insight, information to Mrs C and I and to Flossy and Lotty. Though her death was anticipated it has come as a shock to the children. Their response is complex it’s their first experience of the death of someone close. Predictably we’ve seen some interesting behaviour and grief manifested in many ways. Complex emotions and challenges to their understanding have left them in a fog of dysregulation.

Our friend, Flossy and Lotty’s birth Aunt, came into our lives in unique and unusual circumstances. We insisted on contact with her against the wishes of our Local Authority, and our Fostering Social Worker pled our case to the judge at the placement order hearing** and it was reluctantly granted. Tentatively we built trust and confidence and slowly, very slowly, she became a friend and then family.

We’d see each other weekly, Mrs C would talk and text daily. The two dimensional pantomime villains of our children’s paperwork became real people, lives, hopes, dreams, mistakes, tragedy and wrong decisions. She was a firewall between us and the less safe elements of birth family and an open door to the safe elements.

She broke the news of birth mum’s pregnancy to Mrs C, the imminent birth of Peanut. Mrs C and her agreed that it was best if Peanut came to live with us and 20 months later Peanut did***.

Flossy and Lotty loved their aunty, she was a tangible part of their lives and history that could not be replicated in a life story book or letter. She was an essential part of our lives she was a member of our family. We were blessed to see the pleasure she took in seeing her nieces grow.

All our grief and loss is compounded by our inability to attend the funeral to share our loss with her loved ones. Mrs C was able covertly to attend her bedside in her dying days and thank her for all she had done. This is the end of a special chapter of all our lives.

We feel blessed to have known her, rest in peace J.

*No such thing

**It’s complicated

***It’s very complicated

Let's have a Party

Tomorrow we're having a party and it has been a long time coming.

A little back story.

In the Summer of 2011 we found out through birth family members that birth mum was pregnant.

Circumstances had not changed and we all knew that in all probability that the baby would come into care and be placed for adoption.

We strongly felt she should come to us to be with her two big sisters.

We spoke to Social Workers, we spoke to the head of service and they all agreed off the record that the likelihood was that she would be placed for adoption and that it made sense for her to join us.

Call it risk averse, call it appropriate caution but we would not be allowed to foster to adopt. We could officially be told nothing as we where not related and it was confidential.

A wise friend said "don't make this a crusade" so we stepped back.

So, we waited and tried to pretended that we didn't know what was happening.

Through family members we saw the photos and the videos and waited silently.

She learnt to crawl and we saw the video.

We waited

She learns to speak words.

Still we waited and watched milestones pass.

A year after she was born the plan was finalised and we were formally asked to express interest.
So we did.

We tell Flossy and Lotty, they can't wait.

We started our fourth PAR assessment and tried not to be complacent. This was a very familiar process with an adoption panel member and a student social worker ex panel member being assessed.  I felt mild pity for our Social Worker.

We waited for the court date to free Peanut for adoption.......and waited.
It comes.

The pictures continued to come through and she's walking.

We would be approved and matched at the same panel............we waited for the day.

The day came and we were passed............we waited for the ADM to decide and he did.

We waited for the introductions.

Then we stopped waiting and we met the little girl that had been ours long before this moment.

Two years after being told that she existed she walked and talked into our lives, a joy and a gift.

Tomorrow we're gathering friends and family and coming together to celebrate and to ask for God's blessing over her life.

We'll thank God for her and we'll thank friends and family for waiting with us.

We got our day in court

After my earlier moan about adoption celebration days I am pleased to confess we had quite a remarkable day today in court.

Like many pre planned days out our day started two, or three, weeks earlier. Lotty, knowing a special occasion was nearing, had become fixated on dresses, shoes and hairstyles. Flossy did not feel the same. Mrs C was consumed with finding clothes that met the exacting criteria that meant Flossy would not freak out. A very exact criteria that also ensured that she would not be mistaken for a boy, which upsets everyone, but also are in a very limited way not girly. No mean feat.

Anxiety has risen in the ranks, though Peanut is oblivious, and late nights and early mornings have ensued.

So, this morning,  children spring out of bed and little ones are jet washed in turn.

25 minutes prior to leaving, Ginger appears from his pit and requests assistance. Though he could care less he understands that Mrs C and the Big one will give him a tongue lashing if dressed inappropriately.

I put on my suit and the shoes I bought when we went to court with the first three. The Big One, only 7 at the time, insisted I buy a suit and shoes, she has clear opinions about these things.

So, long story short and after a tense moment over seating arrangements, two car loads of us arrive at court. Social workers are absent but we crack on.

The usher gives us a look and says "There's quite a few of you I think we'll use the courtroom, is that ok?" a resounding "yes" was the reply. Result.

She looks again and asks "Would you like the judge to wear their robes?" again "yes". Result.

She looked again, suspiciously, and asks "Have I seen you before? one more time "yes" and we tell the tale of our previous visit.

This is going to be better than we'd hoped

Social workers arrive.

So, in we go and the the moment is appropriate, photo's are taken, polite chit chat is made.
Flossy and Lotty's eyes are on stalks, they're giddy and become slightly overexcited but well within the realm of manageable. Ginger is cool, Peanut is not bothered, the big one is very pleased, grandma is proud, Queenie feels family and adoptive dad is quietly emotional.

But, Mrs C is having a feeling.

Is this the Judge?

The judge who 8 years ago signed the court orders to bring the children into care, who sniffed a rat and included the, as then unborn, Lotty, though the SW's hadn't.

Mrs C has a quick word and this is the judge.

After all these years we stand here at the end of the story, or at least the end of this episode. The kids enjoyed the day and will hopefully remember it. The seriousness, the spectacle, the special access will all live long in their memories and make sense of their own journeys.

But for Mrs C and I it was a blessing to meet the one of the most influential players in three of our children's lives. A professional who's actions had impacted so significantly in their  all their lives but so critically in Lotty's life.

Often as an adoptive parent we have missed some of the most significant events of our children's lives and have not been present for decisions that will have lasting consequences for them.

Even to just meet a key player in those decisions, albeit briefly, holds a significance for us and adds colour into the grey areas of my children's lives.

Today we certainly got a day in court that we could never have dreamt of.

I want my day in court

The letter has arrived and a date has been given, the 30th January. Our Adoption Celebration Hearing has been scheduled and we will go up to the big house and see the Beak and Peanut will finally be legally embraced into our family.

This is not the first time we've had an "Adoption Celebration Hearing". After years of legal fights and wrangling, failed introductions more tears than I care to remember and a collection of scars we took Flossy and Lotty to the big house and saw the Beak. It was a good day, a milestone and an opportunity to mark the end of one chapter and the start of a new. It was an important day and we remember it fondly.

However, I confess to being a bit unimpressed. "Adoption celebration hearing" sounds a bit made up, a little bit airy fairy social worky. The real business of law has been done and dusted and this felt like an invitation to the after party, skipping the main event.

I do understand the reasons for not taking children into courts and the potential for birth family to disrupt. But......

If I turn the clock back to 2000 I recall a very different day. Mrs C and I got up early, gathered the Big one, Gracie and Ginger, and made our way to court. All of us nervous, all of us excited all of us ready for a new life. We'd all travelled a rocky path to get to this moment. We arrived early to miss the crowds, unsavoury sorts the clerk explained, and we sat before the three Beaks.
This was a big deal, our family members were not allowed in the courtroom, this was a very serious business. The chief Beak asked some appropriate questions of us all, little ones too. Our hearts were in our mouths at what response they would give. Fortunately, all questions were answered appropriately.

Then the moment came, memory has blurred the works but not the feelings and as I write my heart is pounding and I'm holding back tears.

Then the order was given.

The Big One, Gracie and Ginger were no longer the children I looked after, they where my children and I was their father, Mrs C their mother. They weren't even my adopted children, they became my children

Two families had walked into the court and one new one walked out.

I can't describe the wave of relief and joy. After the years of trials and tribulations it was done.

As I say, I enjoyed Flossy and Lotty's Celebration Hearing, it was fantastic but it was like watching the replays on tv, just a reflection of an amazing moment in court.