Adopter Voice

Actually, before I start I thought I'd better warn you this post is not a set of minutes of the Adopter Voice meeting today at the Department for Education.  Reports and topics presented and considered hold specifics that will come out in the fullness of time when all the 't's have been crossed and the 'i's have been dotted.
If you want a blow by blow account stop now, go and make a cup of tea and read a good book or whatever tickles you.

Coming away and pondering the discussion I'm struck by the change in tone that has developed over the last couple of years in relation to adoption. Of course much had happened in that time with the coming and going of key figures in the adoption landscape as well as the changes in some of the structural elements of that adoption agencies are set into. Change is happening and like any time of transition there's uncertainty and tension. Not necessarily helpful if your local adoption support team is being shipped out to new offices and merging with another team from another county.

That's all well and good but sitting in your home with your children and 'experiencing' that system and trying to navigate those changes is a very different thing to talking about it and how to manage it. Nice conversations around tables don't necessarily translate to help and in fact may feel like a joke if you're at the sharp end of trauma informed parenting.

Talking today we touched on issues such as contact with birth families and the very real pressure on children and adults. With tangible benefits and the very real concerns, adoption cannot remain closed to the reality of contemporary life when small children can 'google' Tummy Mummy's name and have a world opened up to them before a life story book is even pulled from the top shelf.

Adopters are experts in what should have been said in preparation so we riffed on that for a while, the age old debate of how much truth it too much and at what point does that harsh truth become prohibitive to all but the brave few daring to adopt.

We talked about the ongoing relationships that adopters need with services, relationships with support    social workers and even the thought of annual reviews for support and families.
Talk is good and of course adopters.

As I said at the beginning not a lot of specifics in all that and it can appear to be exclusive to not share in the nuts and bolts of some of the discussion. To say nothing and not even note the meeting is perhaps worse.

That adopters are around the table at the big house cannot be underestimated. There was a time in the not too distant past when we were not welcome. The last few years has seen a change and that has to be good. Of course, we'd like more varied voices but for now we take what we've got, keep at it and prove the value of our voices.

Expectations

I'd get sacked within minutes in a meme factory due to me constantly and insistently lowering my standards, aiming lower and setting low aspirations.  I can see the face on my imaginary line manager as I offer them a picture of a cute child with a tagline 'one day you might be average'.

What I've learnt is that high expectations is the enemy of a happy family life in Coates Towers.

I'd hoped that MrsC, the wee three and me could go out for a meal this weekend. We rarely do so, for a whole host of reasons it's always tricky. I'd set my heart on it, partly motivated by one of my children, who shall remain nameless, informing us that we never do anything as a whole family. I really thought we could be like one of those families that we see on the telly with the happy smiley faces and warm loving, mutually respecting, Volvo with Labrador kind of family that laughs as they 'do things together'.

I'd really hoped that we could just have a nice time, more than that in my head it was a marker I'd placed in my mind that we'd survived another tricky year, against the odds we'd done it and we were going to celebrate that together.

So, after appropriate signposting, psychological preparation and phased communication with the massive then identifying a suitable venue the day arrived and the 'I wish we could do things together' Child declares she's not coming.

'Why?' I ask putting on my best Dr Dan on valium tone.

'Just don't fancy it'

So, that's me unravelled right there! and she's rocking the just try and make me come nonchalance/sass.

Needless to say there was an open and honest exchange of opinions followed by a great unravelling with me front and centre to the whole lot of it. So the day went with my tetchy/hacked off/disappointed attitude colouring everything said and done. Everything was a bother and personal.

Expectations, what a killer.

Pre children I had ideals of this and that, high hopes and aspirations for precious moments, shared hobbies and the like. Now they all seem like a recipe for my own unhappiness. I've not lowered my expectations rather to try and take them out of the equation and roll with whatever happens good, bad or, most usually, a little bit of both.

Department for Education - Adopter Voice March 17

The machinery of government and social care moves at a glacial pace. But it does move, for adoptive families that can be infuriating. Changes that we hope to see come and benefit our children come too slow and sometimes the bottlenecks in our children's lives have gone and our concerns have moved on. I've had to embrace pragmatism.

So, we come together to share views on specific issues, as always education, Virtual School Heads, EHCP plans, Pupil Premium Plus are on the agenda. The machinery of adoption support is interlinked with other departments, this team and that team. Influence has to be brought to bear with some to varying degrees. Things are moving.

Child on Parent Violence was on the agenda, 'The best kept secret in adoption'.
Drawing on my CPV survey I shared some experiences and the results. This is not the place to rehearse the arguments, I've ranted enough elsewhere but in essence we discussed.

• Prevalence, up to 30% of adopters will experience it across their child's childhood.
• Clearly linked to disruptions and struggling families
• That more adopters experienced it in younger children than older
• Responses from Social Care were not always informed*
• Professional knowledge is limited across a range of professionals
• Knowledge of effective responses and interventions is slim

That's all standard stuff but there are individuals, professional and organisations with some knowledge and they should be accessed and there knowledge should be disseminated. It was a good discussion and I may have become animated, but hey what do you expect. On the plus side I've come away with some new ears to bend, names of people who can help, or should help. 

We squeezed in a brief discussion about the challenges of Fostering to Adopt, sorry I ate up the time on CPV.

As a footnote I asked it there was a option to place a statutory timeframe on the local authorities duty to carry out the  'Assessment of Adoption Support Needs'. Just a thought, anecdotally I hear such a range from weeks to years. Of course it can be a complicated assessment but with no timeframe attached many families find themselves languishing as they wait for it to be completed. Could this data be added to the adoption scorecard? should it be? A new fight to start, me and my big mouth. I'd much prefer that a statutory timescale was added but perhaps I'm reaching for the moon.

Anyway, we continue to push. Adopter Voice is a forum I'd encourage all who can participate in to do so.





*that's a nice way of saying it.

A Long Hard Week

Remotely reading accounts of children's violence against parents unfold over Twitter makes for a hard week. It's not just now and then but a theme every week, be that 4 year olds or 14 year olds, either way it's hard to read.  

 

Lots of us walk that CPV* path and are still on it, it's a hard path that is exacerbated by the professional responses that have been thought up in a common sense empathy vacuum. 

To feel abandoned or accused by the very people that should help you is a double blow, worse than no help at all,  much worse. As Helen Bonnick said in our podcast one professional can make all the difference, finding that professional can be the trick, but we found ours, many don't.

This week I've seen voices get stronger,  dots starting to be joined. Emails bouncing round my inbox with ideas and suggestions, plans and schemes on twitter with experts in different fields drawn into the debate. I've had conversations with friends planning to make a difference. 

If the Post Adoption professionals are not prepared to navigate the legal, ethical and emotive seas that safe holding, risk assessment and restraint inhabit then perhaps we ought to raise our sails and set off without them.  

Social worker's bread and butter is managing and quantifying risk but for a host of reasons this issue is not one that many will embrace or are allowed to embrace. Safe holding has perhaps been linked to attachment holding which has had tragic consequences. So the pendulum has swung and social care has stepped away and we're met with blank stares when asked what to do, or we're made to feel like monsters for even suggesting that we take control. But there are other voices and professionals with different views. 

Let's keep talking

Forgive the brevity it's been a long hard week.

*Child on Parent violence

No easy answers

In one of my day jobs I speak to teachers and help them develop their understanding of the impacts of  loss, trauma and separation on children. I’m usually invited in on the back of adoption but I quickly move past this with my first slide and broaden it to a whole range of children.

I talk about children who experience abuse, of many strains, children cared for by adults other than their parents, children in the Looked After system, children who experience the death of a parent or loved one, children who experience mental ill health or live with someone who does, children who experience the imprisonment of a parent, children whose parents separate or divorce. I could go on, and usually do, indicating that the children who experience these challenges and are adopted are only a small fraction of those impacted.

Eventually the teachers ask is there anyone who hasn’t been impacted by trauma, loss and separation left? It’s an interesting question and the reality is that probably not, but the degree, implications and subsequent support are perhaps the key issue. 

So with that in mind I go about my day. 

This week on Twitter I was included into a very long conversation thread that drifted into this issue, along with many other issues to boot.  

For many of the adults looking after the other children that I listed they had no choice, circumstances and other such meant that they care for children that have lived under the shadow of negative experiences.

Are their needs greater than ours or ours theirs? Of course not. But we have many things that they do not. A voice. The goodwill of many people that can help us. The Adoption Support Fund. A statutory right to see our needs assessed, lobby groups, conferences and research that benefits us and our children. Adopters are uniquely privileged, we are universally seen by wider society, media and politicians as saintly and deserving. If you’re an adopter it’s not uncommon to be told ‘what you’re doing is amazing’, ‘I could never do what you do’ and other gushing statements. For us this is a choice, many of us didn’t ‘really’ know what we were getting into, but we chose this path none the less. You could argue that for some it was no choice but a last resort but that confuses the issue. Doesn’t it? Probably.

I’m not suggested it’s all creamy but I know enough to know that we have more in our favour than many others. Neither am I suggesting that we should sit back and rest on our laurels, of course we should push for better.

I often think what it would be like to care for my children in different circumstances, to be the cause or to have been a bystander to my children's trauma, the system may not look on me as favourably as I struggle with guilt, shame, mental ill health, challenging circumstances, your own trauma etc. 

I do know that some would prefer money spent on adopters and not on families that struggle. I do know that some would prefer the opposite. I'd like to hope that those who hold the purse strings also hold both ends of this spectrum in tension.

How do we rank need? Are some more deserving of public funds than others? Well I guess there are multiple views on that. When thinking of my child’s life path would money have been better spent on early intervention, or resourcing foster care and foster carers or providing support to adopters or on universal services. The reality is that money is spent at each point with varying degrees of success and to fund one is to not underfund another, as far as I know that’s not how public funds are used or how the system works.

The reality is that the need is greater than the available resources, that being so we are then left in a terrible position where most services could do with more money.  Need is graded and some get access to services and some do not. As adopters we're unique but that does not necessarily mean we receive or deserve a prioritised access to service. I'd like to live in a society where children's need are prioritised regardless of who cares for them be a single mother with mental ill health and a chaotic lifestyle or a middle class family in the leafy suburbs.  Is that the case? I'm not sure I'm in a position to answer that.

What upset me, or frustrated me, in the twitter conversation was that it's a debate that can't be boiled down to 140 characters. Confusion reigned as different people's threads blurred and messages mixed.  It wasn't a uplifting exchange.

I've read and seen enough to know that though the needs of many adopted children are profound and life long but that doesn't make them unique and in the grand scheme represent a small portion of the whole need that is present. 

There are no easy answers.

Adoption on the telly

I went the the pictures to see The BFG on Sunday with Lotty. Clearly I must be the only person in the land who doesn't know the story. Though I enjoyed it I confess to feeling a little wearied by the usual plucky orphan stereotype. A fully resolved adulty/child orphan that finds beautiful adult/saintly type adoptive parents narrative. I'm just so over that,  is so far removed from my knowledge and understanding that it borders on insulting.

Of course it's classic children's fiction so I put all those feelings in my box marked boring old fart and suspend belief. I mean I cry like a baby at Annie, both versions, so I'm pretty good at putting my feelings aside.

So, this week with a sense of duty I watched The Coopers Versus The Rest.

Hmmmm, it's not my cup of tea, I like my comedy dark and scathing, not unlike my life, and this was way too happy ever after for me. I couldn't help but think that the heartwarming scene with the children smiling in the back of the car at the end of the programme if transferred to my life would have more likely been a full blown fist fight.

But, and I've thought about this and it's an important but, there appears to be an authentic voice in its midst of all the niceness. It was all a bit resolved and as far as can be from my version of children who've experienced loss and trauma as you can get but I did get it. After I watched it I read the blurb and it had been written by an adoptee so I felt more a little better about the experience.

I can sniff out an authentic voices in blogs, Twitter feeds, articles and books. I don't have to agree or like what I read* but I do like it to be authentic and I can tolerate or respect as such. Even if the person has no connection to the subject matter they can have an authentic voice. When it's not authentic, like the fast food advert last year, then I steer clear and leave well alone.

This blog is a bit of a ramble but each day I seem to see more and more literature, training, articles, news about adoption. With talking heads, professional opinions, views and perspectives and I realise I'm always looking for authentic voices not exploitation, money making opportunities or just utter tosh.







*I'm reading a hateful book about international adoption it's full of  corruption, delusion and religion and it's authentic but I don't like it.

Champion

Words are interesting and powerful, words matter, they get us into trouble and out of trouble. I've been pondering one word for months and years. It's the word:

Champion

Before I go any further this is all about me, not you, so if you read this and think I'm having a dig at you then you've well and truly got the wrong end of the stick. If you think it's about an organisation, and there are a couple that use the word, you're missing my point because I hold no ill will or bear any animosity at all. This is about how I feel. Me.

I've started this blog time after time month after month but struggled to put into words how I feel about potentially being called an 'Adoption Champion'. If you know me you'll know I've worked hard to duck the title on several occasions and mainly because it was just a feeling of unease that I struggled to put into words. More to the point I struggled to get to the bottom of why I felt the unease. 

I've tried to verbalise my feelings on several occasions with different people failed dismally and come away from the conversation feeling like a pedant* or a lilly livered liberal, I mean it's only a name for heaven's sake. 

I support and participate in the work that many of the 'champions' are doing, advocating for adopters and adoptees. The promotion of awareness of the reality of adoption and chipping away down the constant disneyfication of adoption in popular perceptions and media. In that regard I'm all in. It's just that word. 

I've talked to adoption 'Champions' who embrace the name and that's fine I don't want to project or transfer my unease. 

Today, it finally came to me as I sat on the train. 

Champion is an overwhelmingly positive term and to link it to social construction that at it's heart is born from catastrophic loss is the crux of my unease. I just can't reconcile the two.  

*The good MrsC will read this and say 'you're just being an colossal arse' and she might have a fair point.

Therapy

This week a book came through the post 'The Adopters Handbook on Therapy' and the DfE published the 'Post adoption support interventions: independent evidence review'. Both very helpful and giving excellent summaries of a range of therapies and their benefits.

It made me think when I go to the garage I often do an impression of the thing that is wrong with the car. I make ticking noises and give flamboyant demonstrations of the difficulties that the car's happening, it's all a bit Fawlty Dad. The nice mechanic smiles, looks impressed and nods as though he understands. Very politely he then tells me they'll have a look. He clearly thinks I'm an idiot but he is professional and I trust him. I wouldn't dare to presume that I can actually tell whats wrong with my car or even worse how to fix it, what tools to use and what part is needed.  I kind of feel this way about psychologists too.

Reading Twitter and Facebook feeds as well as talking to adoptive parents I hear all kinds of stuff from adopters when talking about therapy for their children dangerous crazy stuff to desperate cries for help. I worry when advice is give about what therapy will fix this or when recommendations are offered based on a friend who did Theraplay or whatever. I worry that the choice component of the ASF has led to amateurs like me thinking they know what therapy their child needs. Of course I know things aren't right but that doesn't qualify me to say how to fix it. I know enough that the wrong therapy is can be more harmful that no therapy.*

We've kind of been round the block in many regards but we've been fortunate to access several therapeutic interventions over the years and the main thing is that I've realised that they don't work. Of course what I mean is that they don't usually produce the result that I'm necessarily looking for. The process and outcome is much more nuanced than that and linked to all kinds of other stuff, family systems, parenting models, my own hang ups, etc..

But I've been desperate and I'd have done everything and accepted any therapy in the early days. I discovered I knew nothing about therapy. The 'fixes' were not 'quick' and quantum changes in behaviour were not on offer. Nuanced and incremental changes were on offer as was the development of my knowledge of the inner workings, self image and identity of my child. Problems eased rather than resolved and we learnt how to dodge bullets and sidestep the fiery darts that continued to be aimed at us. It's made us look at ourselves and acknowledge when we are part of the problem and helped us shift to being part of the solution.

Perhaps the most significant part is for us was someone who listened to us, believed us and confirmed and acknowledged our thoughts and concerns. A pretty basic but much under valued need and something that enabled us to keep going at tough times.

Of course others have different experiences and I'm happy to acknowledge that but I know enough that the impacts of trauma are long term and there are no magic fixes.




*For example the NICE guidelines on Children's Attachment note that:

'although use of creative and non-directive therapies is popular with this population, there is no evidence for the efficacy of any form of individual therapy done with primary aged children in terms of addressing attachment difficulties'

Coffee & Cake

Suddenly Mummy’s smashing blogpost last week set me away thinking about the nature, practicalities and systems of Post Adoption Support.

The Adoption Support Fund has scratched one itch. We now have a route to therapeutic services for our children and within the context of reduced budgets and cuts that's nothing to be sniffed at. 

We are about to see additional support for children within schools through the duty's put on Virtual School Heads, how that's going to play out I don't know but I'm hopeful.

Adoption is on the agenda, for now, and significant changes are afoot, by 2017 we will have several regional adoption agencies and what that will mean for adoption support is yet to be seen but things are moving. There's talk and hopes that they may provide 'hubs' of excellence in therapeutic and mental health services. That the good bits will be kept and the rubbish laid aside. 

All of this is good and part of a support 'jigsaw' that many of us need. 

However, I worry that in the drive for high profile solutions that we step over some of the cornerstones of good support. Sometimes what we need is pretty easy, a wise word and a listening ear over coffee and cake. Good old fashioned social work, pretty cheap, pretty easy.* But the reality is that it doesn't always seem that easy and as a Social Work Student Practice Educator I see it's a skill that doesn't necessarily come easily to all students. Contemporary Social Work Practice appears to be pushed more and more into a bureaucratic role where keyboard skills are as highly valued as people skills. Maybe that's right. 

However, if the high profile solutions are to be effective I believe that the most basic skills need to underpin them. I genuinely believe that one major part of the success of the Adoption Support Fund is the fact that families have had Social Workers sat in their living rooms listening.

I do hope that in this environment change and opportunities for adopters to voice their views on the systems and processes that make up adoption and adoption support that we don't forget the coffee and cake. 

*I'm conveniently putting aside some of the unhelpful things that can be and have been said by Social Workers through the ages. Please don't share them in the comments, the internet only has so much capacity.

Walking the dog

I'm sitting with the my laptop on my knee, can of pop in hand and music on.

MrsC is out socialising with Sarah, Gingers out painting the town red and Gracie, who know's where she is. Peanut's asleep and Flossy took herself to bed about 20 minutes ago.

Lotty's sat reading a book and I'm watching her. She should go to bed, I should send her. Lotty's tuning into a proper little pal.

Lotty and I walked the dog this week and she told me about a girl in her class who called a black boy the worst name you can call a black boy.

'Was he ok?' I asked, 'oh yeah, it used to happen in his old school' she said as a matter of fact. Until the boy arrived last year Lotty had been the only black child in the school.

We talked some more, about this and that, about what it means and why its not nice. I explained stereotypes and prejudice.  She got it and we she talked about when she was in reception the boy who was frightened to sit next to her in case he accidentally touched her skin and it rubbed off. We talked some more and for the first time I told her of my worries that I can't help her with some of this stuff.  It was head knowledge for me not lived experience and that she may experience prejudice from all kinds of places.  Lotty wasn't too phased by all of this, Lotty is convinced that she is loved.

As we walked the sun dropped and the shadows grew long. I told her about my fears and worries when I was asked to adopt her, how I hoped to be the best I could be and would help her however I could. We talked about this and that and the price of chips.

We return to the same topics again and again as our children grow, thorny prickly issues and we peal back the layers a little further each time as understanding develops.

I think we'll be fine.

Behaviour Management Review

The Department for Education are currently undertaking review of behaviour management within schools. Quite a scary thought with images of schools embracing draconian regimes of punishment or dissolving into unfettered liberal wishy washy group hugs.

It's made me think, actually it's made me think a lot, about what I want from a school, what I expect from a school and what I don't want from a school.

It comes in a week when I've taken Flossy to visit the school that she is due to move up to in Year 7.  An exciting experience for any child but for a child who lives daily with the long term impact of her negative early life a one that is fraught with unimaginable and, at times, overwhelming anxieties and stresses. Why wouldn't this impact on her behaviour?

Later this week I then stood in front of 60 teachers, assistant teachers and lunchtime staff helping them develop their knowledge of the impacts of loss separation and trauma on children. Together we considered the implications for these children in a classroom and school environment. As I described the behaviours and causes I watched teachers nod to each other and mouth the names of children that they teach, support and deal with every day. The feedback was that practice could be changed not to pander to poor behaviour but to divert potential disruptions and help children feel safe, cared for and able to learn.

I'm an adoptive parent and that's my starting position. However, I understand that adoptees do not have the monopoly on trauma, loss and separation. In fact, at the risk of offending, I would suggest that many adopted children have something that many other children do not. They have motivated and articulate parents to advocate for them and support them throughout their school lives. I can't help but think of the children who potentially do not. The children in the Foster Care system and those on the edge of the care system, children living with loss through bereavement and separation or divorce of parents, children with parents in prison, children who experience sexual abuse and those that witness domestic violence or live in homes where it is present. The numbers of these children is staggering and they are represented in every classroom in the land. They significantly outnumber adoptees but they share common challenges. For all of them their lived experience has a profound impact on their behaviour in a school environment and how they respond to discipline and boundaries.

I believe that the behaviour review is an opportunity that we should grasp.

It is an opportunity to highlight the good practice and for it to be broadcast to new audiences. We can highlight the excellent work that is often being done to support our children in their behaviour in school.  How to appropriately challenge inappropriate behaviour. The difference between excuses and reasons for children struggling and disrupting classrooms and how to tell the difference. The teachers that go the extra mile, why they do it and what they do. The development and training of staff from the highest to the lowest and the values and ethos that underpin all of this..

How do we influence this?

Well, Tom Bennett @tombennet71 is the Chair of the Department for Education's Behaviour Group and is heading the review. I'd encourage you all to follow him on twitter and share the good, be that articles, stories, excellent schools or practical advice. If you're not on Twitter then write a letter, send a pigeon or draw him a picture. Lets get a hashtag #behaviourreview16 and use it.
Lets be positive and share the positive, let's be kind. We could set the internet on fire with some of the crap that our children have endured in the name of discipline, order and education but that's for another day.

School life is a huge part of all children's lives and good and bad experiences often wash up at parent's doors. Families of vulnerable children live with the impact of good and bad models and methods of discipline on a day by day basis and at times it's overwhelming.  I've seen it in my own children's lives.

We have a voice that many don't and if we can influence this review for good then we can benefit not only our own children but also the children that don't share the advocates and champions our children do.


Note: The review is due to be published in October.

The Big Adoption Day

The Big Adoption Day finds itself arriving in the middle of a slightly confused or uncertain adoption landscape. At least it's confused and uncertain in my mind.

Talking to an experienced Social Work practitioner then noted that they've never know a time such as this in relation to adoption. I agree, the tranquil and steady backwater that used to be adoption policy and practice is either dried up to a trickling stream or raging torrent depending on the opinions that you listen to.

With the number of approved adopters at an all time high and the numbers of children lower than that the obvious question is why? I'm guessing that the needs of the children don't meet or alight with the capacity of the approved adopters. Also a consequence of additional funds to approve adopters and a reduction of supply of children. I know of local authorities with 40+ waiting adopters and voluntary agencies with 10+. I watch threads on social media with adoptive parents consoling waiting adopters, 'hang in there hun, we waited 2 years'. 2 years!
Do we need more adopters right now? Probably, but we need the right mix of adopters able to parent the children waiting.
Things are not what they were.

In this river  'easily matched' children bob quickly downstream to be collected by the abundance of adopters waiting for their blue eyed blond haired cherubs. It's the other children those caught in the doldrums and eddies, sibling groups those with uncertain physical, mental and emotional health needs that are struggling to get downstream. We need a different kind of adopter for those children, I'm trying to calibrate my thoughts to make adoption about children as for so long it's been about adopters. That sound obvious but not always so clear.
Things are not what they were.

The needs of the children are paramount and CAFCASS are reporting care applications increasing, that does not necessarily translate to more adoptions, the Judge's job is to judge not meet the needs of adopters or yield to the ideology of politicians.
Things are not what they were.

Regionalisation of adoption is marching ahead at a pace. How will that impact on Local Authorities or voluntary agencies? There's certainly a few rapids ahead for employees of the adoption industry, adoption used to be the safest job in Social Work.
Things are not what they were.

So in the midst of all of that we've got the Big Adoption Day. We need adopters as the river always flows but for those going to events and asking questions I'm not sure what answers can be given. I see the adverts for events but I see a limited or no reflection of where we're at and worry that we're forging ahead regardless in the hope that it all settles back to what it was in the good old days. The good old days are gone but I'm not sure the good old days were ever here for many in the adoption triangle.

The Big adoption day feels like a party that was arranged when every one was riding the crest of a wave of fun in the wake of the last kicking party.  But then as the party draws near the fun is forgotten and no one can  quite remember why the party was arranged. The invitations have been sent and the hats and decorations have been bought but the enthusiasm has waned and we reluctantly agree to continue.

We live in strange times.

Aces

My Facebook timeline has had a fair share of posts this week from relieved parents claiming 'Little Bonjela has got her place at Saint Mavis the Indignant's school for Young Pedants'. Blessed relief and dashed hopes have swept across the land for all those children moving up to Year 7 in September.

I even posted our own good news.
What blessed relief the good MrsC and I felt, mixed with the ever present doubt and uncertainty as we release Flossy into the wild. Flossy's giddy at the news,  it was her idea to go to this school and she got what she wanted. I see it as the least worst option.

It was a complicated path as the school is in a different county and we'd already made a different choice by the given deadline. Like most parents we do what we have to do. I confess that we played every Ace in the pack, the vulnerable child card and previous LAC* card the poor little adopted kid card. We called the head of admissions, twisted every arm, give full, and frank, accounts of early life experiences and talked them into a corner and tried to vicariously traumatise them in the increasingly desperate attempt to get her admission to the school that we all felt was the right one. We expressed our concerns over the local feeder Megaschool Learning Factory, we tried everything we could. We got in.

It's made me think though. I never wanted my children's status as adoptees to be anything other than their business. Of course if you know anything of us then you'll realise that we let it all hang out and a jigsaw family like us demands a few answered questions. But I never wanted us or them to be treated differently, for years I was slightly embarrassed by our receipt of adoption support allowance as I felt that we should stand on our own two feet like every other family. I have changed. The day I tendered my resignation at work because the behaviour of the children was way outside of normal I changed. I realised that we were never going to be normal and that to try and live under the radar was potentially going to disadvantage the children and us.

So we fight the systems that would prefer all children to be cookie cutter kids, the system that sometimes baulks at children that step outside of 'normal'. We make the calls, speak to teachers and administrators and doctors and anybody who'll listen. We read the legislation and guidance arming ourselves with facts and figures and then ask the questions that we already know the answers to. I trained to be Social Worker and MrsC studied child psychology for two years in part to equip us for this journey and we've often read more books than the people sent to help us. I go to teacher inset days to train on the impacts of trauma etc. we network and soak up tips and tricks. We tell anyone who'll listen that they 'need' to understand the impact of my children's early lives. We make friends and we don't care if we lose friends we do what we have to do to navigate our children through all of this.

I sat with a friend, who has adopted children, in a professional meeting recently regarding some policy or other and she whispered I know this meetings not about my child but if it doesn't go how I want it to it will be. She was slightly scary when she said it.

I still feel sad that I'm forced to play the adoption card to get the support and care that every child should get as standard.



*'Previous LAC', what a God awful phrase.

Ready to learn

My job today was to collate the views that I'd collected from adoptive parents on education and joining other adopters, some from the Adoption Voice initiative, bring them to the halls of power.

As always, we'd all received many thoughts, stories, opinions and perspectives on the challenges faced by adoptive children in school and their parents in helping navigate the educational paradigm and system. Though rich and varied they could be condensed into a relatively small number of points:

• Staff training  - Who could and should deliver it and the benefits across the school for all pupils.

• The role of Virtual Schools in supporting adopted children and families - Should they and could they offer support in the use of PP+ and guidance in relation to the training of staff? Could  they facilitate a continuation of Personal Education Plans (PEPs) that fostered children in education would have and could have under the adoption support plans drawn up at matching.

• Pupil Premium Plus - How it is used and how the potential uses can be clarified with school staff through various routes.

• Education and Health Care Plans - The challenges faced by families in gaining plans for adopted children 

• Ofsted - The challenges that school face and to have the needs of adopted children understood by Often and the inspectors.

I can't and wont bore you with the 'he said she said' but there is a genuine sense of momentum and optimism that we can influence some of the identified areas for the good of adopted children. Of course there was a range of other issues that were touched on and apply to many and some to few such as home schooling and international adopters. Overall it was a positive meeting but as always it's complicated, some of the issues lay at the intersection of legislation and guidance and further complicated by being in the domain of other departments. We'd all like to just make it happen our way but we have to acknowledge that there are paths we must walk to get there. Right now we've been given a voice and like minded and informed people of influence are listening.  

So, a stepping stone in the right direction. Thank you to all those who contributed and I shall no doubt be asking for your views and thoughts again in the near future. 

The Rise of the Adopters

I've had this feeling that's been brewing and festering that then turned into a title for a blog 'The Rise of the Adopters'. It's been a struggle to turn my feelings into words that make sense and accurately express how what's going on in my head. So, I've been reading, thinking, talking and pondering.

Adoption is not a human right, for adopters, it's a choice and a privilege. Adopters come to adoption for a myriad of reasons through different routes, often painful routes, with different expectations, hopes and dreams. These factors all impact on what we actually want and expect. I sometimes meet prospective adopters and I'm nervous for them as we talk and their expectations are shared with me. The views of adopters, and prospective adopters, are valuable and useful but should they be used to inform policy? Of course they should but the weight that they are given is where my thoughts linger. Adopters punch way above their weight in many regards, emotionally, culturally and politically. We rarely see anything other than agreement over adoption announcements in the press? The nation is outraged when we read the headlines:

'Too fat to adopt, too thin to adopt, too old, too whatever'

But as I said adoption is not a human right. However, for whatever reason the dynamic is that adopters are placed on a pedestal as saints and children are labeled lucky to have been adopted by them. Laws are massaged to suit adopters with approval times reduced and the requirement to consider the culture and ethnicity of children when matching removed. Pragmatic realism or pandering to popularist views, we could, and should, argue the toss. But the balance of power remains with adopters. Adopters have a voice. 

Children are given no, or very little choice in relation to their adoption. This is the history of adoption favours the adopter. Children are the victims of circumstance, policy and culture. My children had no choice.

Where are the voices of adopted children?

Though few and far between adult adoptees do have a voice but we rarely hear the voices of children. Article 12 of the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child is clear that children have the right to say what they think should happen in decisions that affect them and to have their views taken into account. I'm not sure that's what it looks like on the ground.

Of course gathering anybody's views is hard let alone children especially those perhaps more vulnerable than their peers.  All parents know the challenge of weighing what we think is in the best interests of our children with what they want, a challenge that we as a family face on what seems like a weekly basis.

So, what am I saying?

I'm an advocate for adoption but I see that it's a system and model with flaws and for some children and adults it falls short of the ideal. I believe that for many the security, love and safety of adoption is the best option. I also believe that it can and should be better and that it could be different.

To be honest I'm thinking aloud. Adoptive parents fight like lions for their children on a daily basis and we promote the best interests to a myriad of friends, family and professionals. The DfE is investing in the views of adopters through the Adopter's Voice initiative to influence policy and practice. I would suggest that those who can use this opportunity to not only share our experiences but to share not only the experiences of our children but where possible the views and wishes of our children.

Lets be a voice for the voiceless. Let's shout louder.



I've not mentioned first families but as you can imagine I have thoughts. 
This blog was a lot longer but in the interests of sanity I cut it to nothing.