Telecom

Several years a go at the dawn of camera phones the big girl got her first 'hand me down phone', giddy with joy she passed her number to all and sundry. So, slightly perplexed she came and asked me to help her to open a message that she'd been sent. You can imagine my surprise when it was a picture text from a 14 year old acquaintance of himself. I say himself it was only part of himself in a state of 'happiness'. You can imagine MrsC's surprise. Clearly, young eyes were protected from this.

After a little thought we felt that a couple of decades in a Gulag breaking rocks would perhaps smooth out a few curves in the young man's character so we rang the police. I confess that they spoke a lot of sense and guided me to having a chat to the young man as to involve them would place him on the sex offenders register for the rest of his life and though tempting was perhaps a bit too much for us. So, chat we did and I suggested that if he ever saw my daughter again, let alone give her any bother, he was to throw himself under a bus or I'd release the Good MrsC upon him and the full weight of the law. Having weighed the potential outcomes he plumped for the former and that was the issue over.

Of course no trouble was ever had with the big girl again, bless her.

So back to present day and our plans with Lotty's phone have worked a treat for the last year. After the initial flush of giddy joy and frenetic texting and calling of relatives a moderation set in. Having got what she wanted she realised that it was in fact the un coolest phone in the known world and it was resigned to the bottom of her school bag to gather dust. How sad.
The deal had been, learn to have a phone i.e. don't call the police because you didn't get sprinkles on your hot chocolate*. So, though it is uncertain as to how well the lesson has been learnt it gave us another year. Job done, we've had no bother and no texts.


She has a smart phone now, albeit a second hand one from the big girl** and is making steps into the modern world. That had always been the deal, have a 'trainer phone' for a year then a 'real' phone. I like to think of technology as neutral neither inherently good nor bad. That may be true but human nature being as it is and young people being what they are I feel a fair amount of apprehension. However, this is a bridge that we cannot go around so we are tentatively stepping across it, caution and moderation being our watchwords along with the usual and reasonable ground rules and safeguards. So we'll see how we go.

Am I worried? Eh, yes.

Will it be ok? Eh, yes, we'll make it ok, that's what parents do.



*I really must tell that story sometime. 

**I really must check the photos

Hug a foster carer

I have an affinity with Foster Carers. This is mainly because I was one and that my day jobs means that I work with Foster Carers every day and am consistently reminded of the challenges of their  profession.

It doesn’t happen very often that I hear bad press or negative comments but when I do it usually gets my ire, especially from adopters. I’m not so naïve to think that they’re all saints, give exemplary care, act in the best interests of children or are universally fantastic. I know that the relationship between adopters and Foster Carers can be ‘interesting’ and sometimes for good reason, sometimes not though.*

My thoughts.

It’s not uncommon for adoptive parents to tell of the dramatic improvements that they’ve seen in little ‘Johnny’ since coming to live with them. Raised eyebrows and knowing nods when Foster Carers are mentioned, comments about lack of stimulation, poor diet and bedtime routines and missed development milestones. Talk of massive improvements and milestones rapidly being caught, new words, overdue first steps that sort of stuff. 

But Foster Carers often have immeasureably challenges set before them. They're handed this raw clay to shape, having to put in place new bedtimes, first routines and tentative steps to boundaries produces challenges. They face 21 hour shifts with a tormented baby that withdraws from who knows what. Malicious allegations just because they were an easy target. They suffer more Social Worker visits than you can imagine, being told how to care then the worker slinking off home at 5pm letting you peal the kids off the ceiling after a post contact meltdown because birth mum fed a 3 month old chocolate buttons at 5 pm before the taxi diver brought them home after a 45 minute car journey an you couldn’t get a vegetable into them if you were Jamie-bleeding-Oliver on steroids (Breathe!).

Then to bed, oh, they slept on the way back from contact so they’re buzzing, freaked out and high on chocolate buttons and they aren't sleeping for anyone. 

Forgive my hyperbole, you get my drift, normal isn't always possible.

So, they take this raw clay and start to shape and mould it. Of course there’s a way to go but somebody had to start the process. They pass little Johnny onto us and we've got it easy they've begun a process and taken some flack to get him this far. They may have been the arms of love in some of your child’s most difficult days. They might have been the first arms of love a child has ever known. But they move them on and its not because they don’t care or don’t have the capacity to love them too much it’s because they do care and love them.

They’re part of the jigsaw whether you like it or not. 

So, cut them some slack and go hug a Foster Carer today, or at least send them a letter or card and say thanks.

*I also know of many fantastic lifelong friendships between adopters and foster carers.

Truth, Lies and Social Workers

A twitter conversation drew me into thinking about the murky world of the information that we are given as adopters. It reminded me of a lesson we had at the beginning of out journey.

Mrs C and I were allocated our very own Independent Social Worker. The BBC* had commissioned her to just look after us and make sure that we negotiated the adoption process without mishap. It was a rather interesting experience; she had no managers breathing down her neck; no hoops to jump through; no gates to keep or agenda other than supporting us through the process. We would ask questions and she’d give us answers, no ducking, diving, flannel or patter.

It became a little more interesting when we then asked our assessing Social Workers (yes, we had two at the same time) the same questions. What we discovered was that there was an interesting difference between the actual Regulations and Guidance and the policies and practices of our assessing authority. They weren’t massive differences but enough highlight the influences that Social Workers are subject to. What was more interesting was that practice and policy wasn't described as such more that it was the 'law'.
The Law that unquestionable entity that just 'is'.

The question I asked on Twitter this week was quite simple.

"Has anyone requested an Assessment of Need prior to the introduction of the Adoption Support Fund?"

I was surprised by the range of responses that I got when I asked the question:

Some told of Social Workers having never heard of it or having the assessment but never receiving the paperwork for a year after it or waiting up to 18 months for the assessment to start. Adopters being sent on courses as a substitute for the assessment and then being told they were anxious parents. Others of having the assessment but to no effect or others describing having to strong arm the LA into carrying it out. The conversations spiralled and danced around the topic touching on adopter's parenting capacity being questioned and  having asked for an assessment resulting in delayed Adoption Orders.

Though assessments of support needs have been a duty of local authorities since 2005** knowledge of them has not been passed wide and far. I ask you how many adopters sit of an evening and think "I know I'll brush up on some legislative frameworks". It seems that only now, due to the introduction of the ASF, is its existence being widely publicised and is entering into the general knowledge of the adoption community.

Culture, practice, policy, pressure from managers, budgets and the foibles and quirks of their employers have huge implications for the quality of the service that Social Workers can and do give. But also the information that they are given and then pass on to service users. Often they are the bearers of bad news, unhelpful policies or decisions born out of budget restraints rather than good practice. It's crap to be given bad news by a Social Worker I assure you it's crap giving bad news too.

Until now how much have we asked of Adoption Support Services? Many have just given up asking. But now at the very least the ASF has made us aware of their duty* to assess our needs and at this point we are seeing services that may be struggling or may be adapting to this requirement. Infuriating and heartbreaking for parents, equally so for the Social Worker that has to manage our requests and expectations against the directions and decisions of their managers and employers.

Reflecting on the implications of all of this my suspicion is that any weaknesses, mishaps and bureaucratic failings of the Adoption Support Fund are going to wash up at the door of Social Workers. Maybe some of that is deserved, maybe not. Perhaps our anger and difficult questions should be directed at those higher up the ladder, maybe right to the top.

One of Noam Chomsky's theories of manipulation, the problem-reaction-solution model, describes the idea of creating problems through neglect then offering solutions in the guise of privatisation of public services. Perhaps this will be the future of adoption support.
Perhaps not, it's just a thought.

The lesson I learnt from my BBC Social Worker was that we should not accept all that is told to us, to look closer and get good and impartial advice.

The lesson I learnt from questioning/interrogating my children is only ask them questions I know the answer to.

*The BBC followed us through the adoption process from 1998 to 2002 for a 6 part documentary on adopters and adoption.

**The Adoption Support Service Regulations 2005 -  Section 13 & 14 (click link)

Neuroscience

I read with interest the article in the Guardian this week on the questions over Neuroscience and the questions over its use in policy making. The counter letters and the bonfire that was set off on twitter was interesting to follow and I enjoyed throwing the odd coal on that fire.

However, I am not a neuroscientist and I haven’t studied neuroscience. I’ve seen the odd You-tube clip and sat in seminars and training where it has been discussed.
I can confess to being impressed by the comparison slides of the healthy brain and the neglected brain.
I will confess to allowing it to consider my children differently.

I know as much as anyone will about my children's early lives; the usual litany of experiences that precedes a child's journey through the looked after system. I know my children and their little 'querks'.

The limited neuroscience training I have had has allowed me to view them differently, to parent them in different manner. But to suggest that I, or anyone else, view them as 'sub human' as the contributor to the Guardian article suggested, is a nonsense and insulting.

I observe that my child sees, and more significantly feels danger in almost all circumstances and is hardwired to fight, for conflict and aggression.

Once the switch is flicked then they cannot and will not back down. No threat, consequence or star chart will make a dent in that. When they redline then reasoning, sense and choice are dissolved in their rage.


Informed by our understanding we try to parent differently, why give a consequence to a child who will not be able to respond reasonably. I can threaten to remove their most treasured activity, but they cannot control themselves, cannot modify or comply. They will fail and will lose whatever we have threatened to take off them.

We know that we won’t calm the fire by pouring petrol on it by telling them what their punishment is at the moment of rage. We give them space, allow them time and we draw them back. Then we talk and reason and challenge.

Now, all of this could be genetic or coincidental. It could be an expression of their character or a response to our parenting techniques. It could be a purely behavioural or emotional issue.
All of that or a combination of factors.

Perhaps true understanding of the impact of neglect; physical, emotional and sexual abuse, exposure to domestic violence; trauma, separation and loss is years away. But I can categorically confirm that there is an impact and evidence from neuroscience is only one piece of the jigsaw that informs practice and government policy.

TV times

At the risk of being accused of being curmudgeonly I have to confess that I've been struggling to rustle up the enthusiasm to watch the recent glut of adoption TV programmes.

My issue is not with the subject matter as I clearly approve of the concept of adoption for some children and adults it can often meet both parties needs. Though of late I question some of the received wisdom relating to contact issues and feel uncomfortable with the drive to universally reduce adopter approval times.

I could quibble with the programmes but generally find them to be fit for purpose being aimed at an audience with no or limited knowledge of adoption or the process of adoption.
From my perspective I have a good working knowledge of the system, I understand the complexity of the issues and have both professional and personal experience of adoption.

My frustration comes normally not from what is said and shown but what is not said or shown. With issues being either skimmed over or side stepped I find myself saying "but what about the matching panel, what about contact, what about post placement support, what about this what about that".

Consequently, the experience is frustrating.
But I appreciate that my perspective is one of many and to express my version of adoption would perhaps be off-putting or not as helpful or at worst dull watching..

Social media offers a redeeming quality to the experience being able to follow interesting conversation threads. Additionally, it is interesting to observe non adopter perspectives expressed through the relevant #'s.

I am pleased that adoption is being highlighted in the media though I wonder if this is just a reflection of what is in vogue. The government push the issue from a political perspective and any adoption story is  good news, who could object to adoption? But with 8,600 new foster carers needed for the 62,000 children in care there are other issues for vulnerable children. However, these issues are a little more challenging and children and young people in the looked after system are often marginalised, older, less photogenic, with issues around confidentiality more complex harder to make documentaries about.

Now I am sounding curmudgeonly, but if the hat fits?

Adoptive Dad on Tour

As the blog is clearly about me I thought it appropriate to side step the usual suspects and give some brief thoughts on my little trip to Kenya.

I was honoured to be be invited to travel to Nakuru in the Rift Valley to deliver training to staff at my friend's school and orphanage.

We encountered some challenging situations and stories and on several occasions I had to take myself away for a discrete weep.

Staff described stories of abuse, children suffering multiple bereavements and experiencing trauma un imaginable in a UK context.
I won't bore you with the gory details, needless to say it was a challenge to remain composed in the face of such stories.
However, all was not bad and we did manage to enjoy ourselves, playing cards each night in a truck stop and drinking Tusker beer.
We had bizarre cultural exchanges trying to translate various types of sexual abuse into Swahili.

The trip was brief and my companions and I worked hard to ensure that we made good use of our time there.

At the end of one seminar I was asked 'How to help, what do we do for children who have experienced, multiple trauma, loss, separation and abuse?'

There is no easy answer, in the UK the same question would be struggled to answer. Reading Twitter feeds, Facebook and talking to friends we are constantly seeking advice on how to parent our traumatised and brutalised children and access specialist services set against a background of cuts and reduction in services.

So, when confronted with 147 children with heartbreaking stories and no available parents what is the answer?
With child protection and therapeutic services effectively non existent what can be done?
I have to believe that the most basic tools are within all of our grasp.

Love, patience, kindness, forgiveness, listening and empathy.

The most profound and insightful intervention will fail if not built on the foundation of these qualities.

Easy? No certainly not, often the hardest qualities to draw on.

But regardless of where you are they are available.