Permissive Parent.

It's just not worth the fight.

Is it? Does it have to be a fight? If we dig our heels in and tighten the screw of consequences to a point of winning our argument what is actually learnt? Who's understanding of consequences is developed. Not sure.

So, do we roll over and play permissive parent? 'Do as you wish' because 'Do as I say' leads to the Raa and the shouty place, conflict, verbal abuse, dissent, threats etc.

But the bystanders, those on the edge, the teachers and professionals the family and friends. What do they think? When they see me looking for the easy route rather than standing my ground of forcing an issue. I choose my battles but as we tentatively and chaotically move into the teenage years I see that things are getting tricker. Of course there are days when lines must be drawn in the sand and all the training courses and cunning parenting plans/models/theories/techniques dissolve to nothing. They're not good days.

I've got to advocate better, oil the wheels of the agencies that are in hovering around. Explain why I'll not 'make' homework be done at the expense of our ever so delicate equilibrium, of course I'll encourage and support but 'making' can lead to a few hours or even days of raaa. We all wobble during those times.

So,  I choose permissive and I think what will this matter in a day, week or year. Of course I can rationalise it all. The inner me isn't so sure.

I'm having to retrain myself. My need to be in control and be a dad is well ingrained but I often feel like a bomb disposal expert looking at a red and blue wire. One wire leads to a nasty place and the other to relative safety. Red or blue my mind flits through all the options as I try to make the right choice and of course sometimes theres no right choice if it's hard wired to go off it is going to go off.

Crystal Ball

Welcome to adoption, please collect your crystal ball at the signing in table.

Blimey, I've written about it before but the issue never seems to be the issue.  So, the Raaa comes and we're all back in the spiky word shouty place and the issue is clearly not the issue. She's not saying or we're not listening. Who knows.

So, we regroup and ponder the possibilities. We're just back from holiday? She's just back at school, Parents evening and a whole raft of likely issues that could or could not be the precipitating factors.

We consult the tea leaves, polish the crystal ball, get out the divining rods, consult the runes and read the Tarot Cards. We say a little prayer and ask for some wisdom.

Of course we could just ask, but that route is somewhat tricky, self awareness and reflection are not strengths or attributes that we have in abundance. Questions are often interpreted as accusation and insults, petrol on the fire.

In all fairness the skills of introspection and reflection can be apparent at times of tranquility and peace, though that's not when you need them most. Questioning is pointless when the Raaa is with us and is usually as helpful as slaming your own head in a car door, which is not very helpful.

Then it leaves, the tension dissipates over a busy distracting day and we return to our usual but uneasy peace. What was all that about? We'd talked about some stuff and perhaps that was one of the issues we talked about perhaps not. Perhaps something else. We'll not find out.

So much of the lives of our adopted children is shrouded in the unknown. From the early days of their  lives and their journey through care to their inner working as they struggle to make sense of reactions, emotions and thoughts as they grow and develop. We, their parents, are left to polish our crystal balls and do our best.