Hearts and Minds

We’ve reached the middle of the summer holidays and we're surviving.

It sounds dramatic to say that we’re surviving but being honest it doesn’t feel dramatic, it feels like a fair reflection of the stakes. 

We’ve had friends over, adopters who like us, have walked a less travelled road and care for children who can be sometimes challenging. I mean that's an understatement, re calibrate your idea of challenging by multiplying by a factor of 10.

Anyway, I normally find it reassuring to speak to other adopters but this time its had a peculiar effect. It’s reinforced the sense that adoption is increasingly a precarious way of creating a family for many adults and children. I bang on about societal change and the concentration of the most impacted children in the prospective adoptee cohort and I have to wonder if adoption is working. The vast majority of people I speak to don’t miss a beat in telling me that they’d do it again, neither do they shy away from telling me about the challenges that they’ve faced and the impact on their lives. I'd do it again, what other answer could I possibly give?

Last year I wrote a post ‘renegotiating the adoption contract’ about the challenge versus the support, or lack of support, and it's easily the most read post that I’ve ever written. Looking back I wonder what that even means now, increasingly I wonder about the capacity of government, local and national, to affect the changes that I’d want to see in adoption. Their powers only extend to structures, systems and policy & I believe that we need to change the ethos, values and knowledge of applicants, work force and the bean counters. This seems a much harder task, the old paradigms remain entrenched.

Having my friends over was a blast, We’d met last summer and then we acknowledge the challenges ahead. When they arrived they walked up my garden path and laughed ‘we survived’. Later when we talked we came back to 'surviving', it’s not funny we’ve all danced around children’s safeguarding, police, courts and more. We literally are surviving.

We spoke in frank and clear language about our challenges and worries. Peer support works for some but this time it was a stark reminder of the level of challenge that those sat around that table and many other families face. 

A social worker once asked me what my aspiration was for my child, I replied that we were all still together by the time they're 16 years old. They paused and with a serious face wrote something in their note book, ah well. Perhaps I'm suffering from mid holiday blogging silly season, nothing to reflect on other than the 7 of us sat looking at each other across the kitchen table. It's a big table.

I promise my next blog will be a right laugh. 

A guest post - Attempts at ‘Semi-therapeutic parenting’ vs ‘Traditional parenting’- or ‘When Nanna steps in too much!’

Attempts at ‘Semi-therapeutic parenting’ vs ‘Traditional parenting’- or ‘When Nanna steps in too much!’

By the modern adoptive mummy themodernadoptivemummy.blogspot.com

A family holiday… a lovely idea- or so I thought. 

The rationale goes like this: We have booked a big enough cottage in beautiful mid Wales, my mum hasn’t had a family holiday since dad died (lots on her own though), we have never had more than a day out with their nanna, it’ll be lovely to all go together, three adults, two kids and three dogs. Looking back at this last statement alone I can see the issues in neon lights! 

My adopted boys, now 5 and 4 years old (how did they get this old so quick?), get on well with their nanna- they react the same around her as they do us which led us to believe they were comfortable with her and settled with her (as in they will have meltdowns in front of her and fight with each other).  We talk to her a lot about them, their issues and behaviour and what we do about it- or at least try to do about it. She was very aware that we parent a little differently and she knows, for instance, that we have to get littun to sleep by sleeping with him until he falls asleep as he can’t stand to be parted from us (which she doesn’t agree with).

It was on this disaster of a holiday I really appreciated the difference between trauma informed parenting (or at least attempts to parent this way) and ‘traditional’ parenting. There is no way we are the perfect parents- we get exasperated, frustrated, feel helpless and slip easily into ‘traditional’ parenting before checking ourselves but more and more we are learning to see things from a trauma informed view- like any parenting, this takes practise and as adopted parents we are always questioning the reasons behind behaviours.

Nana’s approach:

Largely shouting and threats. Shouting at them to stop behaviours, to stop demanding us for various things, to stop doing things we would also want them to stop (like hitting and stealing off each other). The more she shouted, the more they also shouted, the louder their cries and the bigger their grumps. The threats fell on deaf ears and when nanna took things off them they took it as a huge betrayal of trust. Many times, they looked totally shocked at her, bewildered at how she was speaking to them and it fair to say that both boys were a bit scared of her during the holiday.

On several occasions she contradicted things we had allowed the boys to do which also left them confused and upset.

I admit, that at times, I backed up my mother- as my husband and I always back each other up (even if we don’t agree we talk about it later). I was pulled into the traditional parenting role- it is what I grew up with- and afterwards I felt terrible about it and as the week went on I was less and less inclined to agree with her as I could see the harm it was doing to my children. It is very hard to stand up to your mother, especially as she has no one on her side being on her own without a partner and not something I wanted to do in front of the children- although this did start to change!

Traditional parenting, to me equals punishment, shouting, withdrawal of treats/ items, putting them down with comments like, ‘You should be old enough to go to sleep on your own now, you don’t need mummy and daddy with you’ and ‘You need to appreciate all that mummy and daddy so and stop being so selfish’, ‘You won’t be having pizza if you don’t stop complaining’. All of these things usually met with silence from us- in shock at how hash she was being with them and also uncomfortable to say anything there and then- I didn’t want her feeling uncomfortable (being the add on to the holiday if that makes sense) and my husband not wanting to correct my mother. We talked about it a few times and how badly having her with us was affecting the boys.

Every time we were on our own with them (she stayed behind one day and one evening we walked to the beach without her and one afternoon a walk to a castle) things seemed easier, happier, there was laughter and grumps and disagreements were less and they were more responsive to us. The air was just lighter- even when there was a major-needing-restraint-meltdown from biggun. We think the tiny thing that triggered it may well have been him letting out his frustration with his nanna.

Our approach:

(If only we looked this calm!)

So what were we doing differently? When fights and arguments start, usually my husband takes biggun away to talk to him and calm him (he is better than me with biggun and I am better with littlun). We try distraction, we talk about behaviour and consequence, we always make them apologise for nastiness and get them to understand what they are apologising for (a sorry on its own is worth nothing). Most of all, we often just let stuff go. Littun has a habit of saying ‘me hate you’. We usually respond with ‘I love you’. Nanna would tell them how nasty they were and tell them off for talking to us like that.  The gulf between the two styles of parenting is huge and has had a detrimental affect on our children. They were on edge all the time, they didn’t respond to her well and didn’t want to be with her. Their already heightened awareness was super heightened and they were like wound up jack-in-the-boxes waiting to go off. There are always cuddles after meltdowns or times we have to reprimand and we give items back or agree a safe place with them if we have to remove them during disagreements.

Regrets and advice on what to do should you find yourself in this situation:

1)    Don’t contemplate going on holiday with nanna!

2)    Talk to your parent beforehand about how you want situations handled.

3)    Step in as soon as possible with a chat about parenting methods

4)    Remind nanna that she is there to give treats and little things that mummy and daddy can’t see.

5)    Ask nanna to play with the boys not just reprimand them.

6)    DON’T be tempted to fall into traditional parenting as it is easy to back nanna up!

7)    Don’t contemplate going on holiday with nanna!

Aftermath:

I certainly have resolved to check myself more for hints of ‘traditional’ parenting and to use more trauma informed methods- the days since we have been back have been so much calmer. To reverse any displays of ‘traditional’ parenting with a calmer and more emotion focussed response and to make sure that we inform nanna of how we wish to have them parented the next time we leave them with her for a few hours. I have felt so sad for my boys and how their view of nanna has been tainted and how they are left reeling from this. I will be monitoring them with her for a while before leaving them- reparations are needed. I feel guilty for not stopping it sooner and adamant it won’t happen like that again. More and more I feel only adopted parents ‘get it’ and a few gems of friends who are awesome and understand trauma informed parenting (they are rare!).

From the fringe.

Though I'd never overtly thought it I'd presumed that my life and those that journeyed with me would meander relatively unscathed and on the well worn paths of society's norms.

In part that's happened, as time as gone on I find us a little lost and in the fringes. The walk from the mainstream to the fringes was a surprisingly short journey. Education.

The debate on school exclusions  has ground on over the last few weeks and being a natural pragmatist I tend to see the reasonable middle ground in most debates. I'm really struggling with this, listening to arguments on both sides I realise that I'm in, we're in, the fringes.

I read well argued debates on child education and whole class welfare, on zero tolerance and parental responsibility and mutter under my breath to myself:

Walk a mile in my child's shoes, walk a mile in my shoes. 

Frankly dear teacher, I can no longer be bothered to explain at length the impact of early trauma and adversity, to lay out my child's world view and anxiety, simmering shame and fear.

I'd like you to do your job.*

Talking to a good friend and highly qualified teaching professional she shook her head as we discussed the challenge and she noted, when will many teachers consider what they can do to help, that perhaps the child is not the problem, the methods employed are?  They could listen perhaps to an army of parents who would be more than willing to have a reasonable conversation with them about what helps and what does not. Of course the vanilla SWer in me shouts there are good teachers, many good teachers and we've had lots of amazing teachers. I agree wholeheartedly but from the fringe it doesn't seem that way. A few rotten apples can ruin the barrel.

Education is a path we all must traverse with our children, for many of us it is a challenge of unequal proportions in our lives. For one of my children my primary educational aspiration is that they're still in mainstream education by the time she reaches her GCSE's.


*Sorry, the nice me is appalled at myself.

Understanding

So, I'm faced with a choice. One of my children is having a very public meltdown. Inside my cogs are whirring, I know what to do but feel the weight of public expectation. I feel my parenting is being watched. 

I'm very susceptible to what people think of me, they're probably not bothered. 

Feeling very watched I hovered on the brink of action. 

Understanding what is going on in my child's inner world really helps me. Like fire, you will do well to know the nature of the fire before attempting to put it out. Our instinct is to use water but try that on your toaster fire or chip pan fire and it's going to make it a whole lot worse. 

Back to the meltdown, the right thing to do was to step back, take the verbal assault and the scorn of the onlookers but watch regulation return. In the midst of all this it still feels like we live in a culture where parenting is reduced to winning and losing. Of course that may just be my parenting and a reflection of my childhood in the 70s an 80s. However, it seems to be the natural order that parents should win the battles and the wars.

Anyway, the meltdown. I chose to step back  and after 10 or 15 minutes we'd restored calm. The peer pressure was crushing, nobody said anything but I felt trapped and impotent. Of course I 'won', regulation was restored but I took a bruising for my efforts. It took me longer to recover than her. It seems like this understanding has come at a price, years of stupid and bubbling parenting from me. I'm starting to feel like I'm getting there. Well sometimes. 

Therapeutic parenting remains a much misunderstood path, it dances around the recognised parenting models of authoritarian, authoritative and permissive, it turns on a penny and leave the door open to all kinds of onlooker confusion. So be it. 

I understand more, more about my child's inner world, more about me and more about the world I live in. That in part has lead to my increased frustration with the language and more annoyingly imagery around violence and aggressive behaviour. It lacks nuance and insight, it reinforces stereotypes and reduces our children to caricatures of that behaviour. How to manage your 'angry child' or clipart of screaming toddlers doesn't help. I'm off point now, but more often my child is distressed, scared, overwhelmed. 

Anyway, knowledge is power.  

In a moment of shameless promotion I'd ask you to look at and share the #CPVA2018 Report extended summary. It helps us understand our children's inner world and therefor us. It can be found here

A & F Podcast - Episode 46 - Suddenly Mummy, a wedding and an Equal Chance

This week we're really excited to speak to Becky AKA Suddenly Mummy as she gives us the low down on her recent engagement. We do get a little distracted by that but then manage to pull ourselves back on track discussing the recent Adoption UK initiative and report (Equal Chance) in relation to supporting adoptees in the education system. Becky recounts her expereinces with teaching as well as appearing on Radio 4, meeting celebrities in the Green Room all before her Fiance distracts her with a cup of tea and has to leave.

We then indulge in a little banter, touch on approaches to empowering parents and all kinds of usual stuff.

We hope you enjoy it as we look start the summer holidays.  

2018 Child on Parent Violence and Aggression Survey - Summary

So, here it is, the findings of the 2018 Child on Parent Violence and Aggression Survey.

I'd be lying if I said it hasn't been a massive task and consequently produced a massive report, over 50,000 words to be exact. Fear ye not, we've condensed it into an extended summary that can be found here:

https://www.academia.edu/37078253/Lets_Talk_About_Child_to_Parent_Violence_2018_Summary

From the over 500 responses Dr Wendy Thorley has undertaken the vast majority of analysis and work and it's a testament to her tenacity and passion that it's come together at all. 

What does it say and what does it mean. Now, that is a question. There's lots to pull out and different people will find significance and use in different bits but to me there are few key issues that weave through the work. 

I now see Childhood Challenging, Violent and Aggressive Behaviour (CCVAB) that many families experience is an umbrella phrase that encompasses distinct behaviours beneath it, Child on Parent Violence (CPV) is one that is clearly defined and linked to intent and a desire to control parents and carers, on this almost all of the previous literature, guidance and research has been focused. However, from our respondents we found a much bigger group of children who's behaviour was described by them as linked clearly to dysregulation, anxiety, stress, not coping and being overwhelmed. The main point being that there was no prior intent or planning. Linked to that, over 50% of respondents noted that their children were diagnosed with a learning disability or autism and many of the children had compounded issues such as anxiety, attachment difficulties, mental ill health and ADHD. To then consider how the any violent and aggressive behaviour defined and described within this context leads directly to conditions as described in World Health Indicators 'Conduct Disorder confined to family context' and  DSM-V indicators that outline Intermittent Explosive Disorder.  Many of the respondent's children appeared to meet the diagnostic indicators for these conditions very different to the stereotypical CPV descriptions. 

This wasn't where we were expecting to be lead but its where we found ourselves with two distinct underlying causes and patterns to the behaviour under the banner CCVAB. 

Understanding this makes me consider workforce development, knowledge and responses. Historically, much has been pointed and directed to CPV when the survey notes this is the lesser of the two types. Food for thought across many professions. The need for effective informed responses is more pressing than ever. 

I know that the adoption community may be over represented in relation to CCVAB within the general population, however within the community of parents and carers living with children with like for like conditions (autism, ADHD, trauma ie. children with SEND) we share a similar level of challenge. We need to build strong links to that community of biological parents to strengthen our lobby. 

Of course there's a lot more to consider and that will be unpacked but I'd like to give a massive thank you to all that took part, have listened to me prattle on and have encouraged us when it got hard. 

We felt that the Extended Summary would be of most use to most people and that's freely available so please share far and wide. For a printed version of the full report then it can be found on amazon at a cost and we've made a ebook version for those on a budget.

This is another part of the jigsaw, is there more to do? of course but all in good time. 

Again, thank you. 

If you want a hard copy of the full report or an Ebook version please look here

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Lets-Talk-About-Violence-Aggression/dp/1717725589/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1532019310&sr=1-1

That's stupid

It seems odd where conversations come from and how they end up in unusual places.  I can't quite recall at what point this one started as we were driving home from some outing with Flossy, Lotty and Peanut.

Flossy and Lotty were somewhat perplexed/indignant at the legal technicality's of the adoption process. The kind of perplexed/indignant that adolescents do with such flair and verve it seems a shame that it's wasted on them. Fortunately, there ire wasn't aimed at me.

Peanut was listening but was also admiring the 'precious' stones that she'd acquired in a car park, I'd negotiated her down from two 'precious' half bricks and a couple of lumps of 'precious' railway ballast. We don't need any more 'precious' things hidden in her room.

Flossy and Lotty set about me.

So, you're saying that our mam* is not our mam when she clearly is my mam. 

Me: Only legally,  of course she is biologically your mam. 

But you're saying she's not our mam.

Me: No, I'm saying she is your mam but when the adoption order was made the birth certificate was changed and me and your mam were put on as your parents. 

But you're not our mam and dad.

Me: Well I am but I'm not...... 

Ok, what about Kasey** is she our sister?

Me: Well.......... yes of course she's your sister but from a legal position................(I trail off realising that I don't know)............Legally, you don't have the same mother.

But she is our mother and Kasey is our sister

Me: Yes, but not legally............. 

So, you're saying that she's not our mother?

This goes on for a while and blissfully is ended when we arrive home. After a brief negotiation Peanut agrees that the 'precious' stone can live with the other 'precious' stones on the drive.

Flossy and Lotty slink into the house and with a parting shot aimed with the brilliance of teenage girls they declared:

That's stupid


I agreed.
Increasingly, I'm at a loss as to how to hold all the needs of all the people in tension. Sometimes none of this makes sense.






* Birth mam
**Older biological sister