Long story short but I've moved my blog and turned it into a website as well. You can find it here
In part, I moved it to host my Churchill Fellowship report and to make it all a bit swish.
There's still a massive archive of blogs here but I have moved a few over.
Just a quick post, I was messaged by a Canadian researcher, Karine Tremblay, this week in relation to the impact of 'filial harm' on adoptive parents caring for adoptive parents. Like a lot of research it can confirm what we're experiencing or what we see happening but the 'gears of the wheel of suffering' shown here are helpful in articulating what many feel and experience. I'll see if I can get her to come on the A&F podcast as well as a full copy of the research findings.
While you're hear, don't forget that I'm delivering the findings of my Churchill Fellowship Report looking at how other contexts and countries support families living with CPV to practitioners on the 23rd April and parents and carers on the 24th all online and free (click links for details). If you can't make the dates sign up anyway and I'll send a recording after the events.
There's a lot to unpack in terms of what I've learnt and one thing that strikes at the heart of what many families live with is how do we access support and what that support looks like and for how long is it needed?
An example of this could be adoptive families in crisis, as a little experiment I asked a couple of closed FB groups what was the influence of children's challenging and violent behaviour on the level of challenge that they experienced. O being not at all and 10 being the overwhelming influence.
You'll not be surprised to hear that of 50 responses only 3 were scored less than 10.
If we want to talk about family breakdown and disruption we have to talk about challenging behaviour, if we want to talk about challenging behaviour we have to talk about services' responsibility and response.
But my point is this, with two thirds of adoptive parents experiencing challenging and violent behaviour then the response of services should be fundamentally built on a developed and informed knowledge base.
It should also be build on the expectancy that challenging and violent behaviour most likely will happen, with the only doubt being when?
We need to move away from the idea of a short, one off, intervention or course of NVR/therapeutic training is enough.
We need systems that can 'walk with families' across the span of a child's childhood, that can respond when needed but never shut the door when not needed. Challenges don't go away, they ebb and flow, they reemerge at different landmarks, school changes, family loss, adolescence etc.
Systems need to be built to keep in touch and be available.
So, banging that drum is my next project!
Anyway I'm getting into the stuff of my report! The words are written, recommendations finalised, podcasts polished and audio appendix locked into the document. The nice people at TCF have said it's fine!
So, I've put a date in the diary to release it to the wild and on the 23rd and 24th April I will hold to online events as a start point and release the podcasts through the A&F Podcast.
Why so far away? Well, there's a new website to build and what with one thing and another I've got no time between now and then.
Please do sign up and pop along!
Well, it feels like quite a moment, I've drawn a line in the proverbial sand and there'll be no more interviews for my Fellowship research. I say that but if I get made an offer I can't refuse I won't. I will not miss the late nights and early mornings for sure.
It would seem like an appropriate moment to steal the words of Churchill himself:
'This is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning'
Now its seems like a very different but very real work is set before me as I draw out from the many interviews the clear threads that have run through the conversations. Issues of peer support, relational practice, focused interventions and education are prominent.
There have been few 'eureka' moments but there have been a lot of 'of course! moments.
So, back to the laptop, sifting through and ordering the 25+ interviews and conversations, pulling out pertinent points, narrating, editing and all that grind.
The Fellowship advised that we shouldn't be quick to draw our conclusions or put pen to paper but I think one benefit of doing it online has given me time to step away and sift through my thoughts. Now is the time to start to order them and start to come up with a coherent narrative.
What's my ETA? Well, early new year seems like my best guess at the moment, in the meantime many thanks to all who have talked to me, listened to me and pointed me in new directions.
Stay well.
Like a man adrift from the wonders of modern technology I'm kicking myself only now realising I can set my laptop to show me different timezones. I'm embarrassed to tell you the number of times I've sat infront of my computer Googling 'what time is it in..........' then to do a sum with the aid of my fingers. Thank goodness my biggest time leap has only been 10 hours so far (actually, it was 9 but we survived).
I've been constantly surprised at the generosity of all those that have spoken to me, resources have been shared and we've sometimes shared the same language and sometimes not. It's clear that different context, cultures and countries have so much insight into the challenges faced by families caring for children with challenging behaviour and many of the themes that you'd recognise from the UK are present. However, approaches and perspectives on that may differ.
Themes are emerging and sharpening, new ideas developing but we were encouraged by the Fellowship team to take time to reflect on the conversations and not to rush to draw it all together. So, with only a few more interviews planned it's time to re listen to the interviews and rest for a while.
"Oh, you need to speak to someone I know in................."
Now I've started speaking to people for real I feel like Alice in Wonderland disappearing down the rabbit hole, in a good way of course.
I'm taking a little time off now then back to the US and perhaps a little sojourn into Europe.
Thank you to all everyone who has given their time so far. If you've a contact in some far flung land or closer to home then do email me at info@alcoates.co.uk
PS. I can't be too sure but think I was speaking to someone in Mexico this week, they were definitely Mexican though. I should have asked.
Safeguarding Families In Adoption Online Conference 24th Sept 9:30 to 1pm
Involvement with safeguarding systems is difficult for all families and can often be stressful upsetting and incredibly challenging. Of course, we need systems to keep children safe but many adoptive (and Foster, SGO and Kinship) families find that children who have lived thought early adversity, are incredibly vulnerable and have been through the Looked after System can often be drawn back into safeguarding processes. Services can struggle to manage the complexity and many families feel that the system need to be reconsidered understanding all that is known.
So,
Join Fiona Wells, founder or PATCH, and me for a virtual event focused on safeguarding families in the adoption on 24th September 2024 9:30 to 1pm. We will be considered in current practice, impacts on parents and children and future practice. It will all be recorded and available afterwards and even if you can only join us for a short period you're welcome.
You can book tickets here.
Speakers
Sarah Johal MBE - National Adoption Strategic Lead for Adoption England
Vicki McKeown - Social worker & Psychotherapeutic Counsellor
Fiona Wells - Adoptive Parent, Adult Adoptee, Social Worker & Author of the "Adoption Crisis' Report and founder of PATCH
Al Coates MBE - Adoptive parent, Social Worker and Founder of the Adoption & Fostering Podcast
The event will be recorded and available to listen to afterwards if you can't make the whole morning.
Background
A significant number of households formed through adoption often struggle to care for and manage the needs of their children. These struggles often escalate into crises, with parents finding it difficult to support their children and manage their complex needs and behaviors. During these challenging times, the support systems in place can fall short.
This online event aims to explore the context surrounding these issues, identifying and examining fundamental factors and consideration of how the adoption system and family support services can better respond to all members of the family. The goal is to ensure that families are kept safe, strengthened, and able to maintain positive home environments.
You can book tickets here.
So, rubber is hitting the road and my first interview is arranged! Oh, it was all fun and games now it seems really real.
I'm in a Churchill Fellowship WhatsApp group and one Fellow has already left the country, it's like a peculiar version of the Whacky Races.
Anyway, there seems to be a lot of preparation that needs to be done. Mainly getting a clear consent form drafted up and watertight. You'd think after nearly 500 episodes of the Fostering & Adoption Podcast I'd have one in place but we've done it all on a spit and a handshake so far and there's only been one wobble and that wasn't from a guest! So, I've been in touch with the boffins at Coram and they pointed me in the right direction.
The breaking news is that I've arranged my first interview so that's focusing the mind for sure. What are the right questions and whereas in other interviews I let the interviewees take the lead this is a new day and I need to drill down quick and get the info that I need. So, that's a new skill to grow.
Slightly concerning is that a few leads have been open and honest that there's a dearth of support for families living with challenging and aggressive behaviour their country. Of course, this comes as no surprise but does chill my heart in terms of what I will find as I step out into the world.
Slightly surprising is the direction that the breadcrumbs have taken me with leads growing in Germany and maybe Cambodia. Well they weren't on the list but this is the beauty of the online world.
So, first county on my list of is Canada!
Forgive me but I thought that I'd keep up a 'Churchill update blog' to chart my plans, progress and thoughts. So, if that's nor your cup of tea then feel free to ignore. Of course, I'm happy to answer any questions or comments and if you've got any insight or contacts then please do let me know. Either comment on the blog or you can email me at info@alcoates.co.uk.
It was all fun and games and then TCF* said; 'yes'. So, after all the forms, planning, promises and pondering the rubber appears to be hitting the road.
I've been collecting names, emails and screenshots of LinkedIn/X/Facebook posts writing them down in a fancy new notebook. I think that I'm trying to start with the end in sight and that's slowing things down. I can literally arrange and undertake video calls pretty quickly but, against my usual nature, I've pushed them back to the end of the summer.
Firstly, I want to be sure of what I'm asking. Yes, the issue of supporting parents and carers of children with care experience** to manage children's violent or aggressive behaviour is a universal one. Or at least it appears to be but the language and how that is conceptualised differs across countries, professionals and families. I need to be sure that we're talking about the same thing.
Secondly, TFC were clear the report that we produce should be in a format that suits the audience that the report is intended for. It does not have to be a written report so I've decided to write a summary but to put most of it into a couple of podcasts. That creates a new challenge, I need consent forms that are up to the job, so I've linked into the helpful bods at CorumBAAF who are helping TCF.
Finally, the thought has crossed my mind that I may struggle to find that many 'innovators, experts and shining lights on hills' in this sphere so I'm coming up with a contingency. Finding a lack of support is a finding in of itself and not without merit.
So, that was this week, in the meantime, if you know of any international shining lights in the sphere of supporting parents and carers please do get in touch!
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| A new note book |
* The Churchill Fellowship
** Care experienced is the focus of the TFC this year. That includes children returning to their families from Care, children in Special Guardian or Kinship arrangements or adopted children.
So, what on earth does that mean?
For several years I’ve bumped into ‘Churchill Fellows’ in different places here and there and the short answer is that the Fellowship is:
“to connect to leading experts internationally in a fellow’s field of interest, to gain insights and knowledge and to then use that to drive positive change in the UK.”
Simple, or so it seems!?
Born from my families experience and all of the learning, studying, research etc. I’m quite comfortable with the notion that helping families/parents/carers to support and manage their children’s challenging, violent and aggressive behaviour is my ‘field of interest’.
So, the plan is simple I am going to research support and interventions offered to adoptive, kinship and foster families that are supporting children with challenging behaviour.
Many Fellows physically take off around the world and the Fellowship encourages and funds that but I thought long and hard and decided that as much as I’d like to travel making connections and gathering information would be best served by me doing that online. Of course, my family are disappointed but it feels like the right choice given the nature of the subject and the way families are supported.
I have to produce a report and share what I find in the spring/summer of 2025 and I’ve some creative ideas as to how that could be done and once they are firmed up I’ll let you know.
The Churchill Fellowship has provided me with a grant so that will help me in terms of time as well as to get the message out.
Watch this space! If you know of experts/professionals/organisations supporting families (adoptive, kinship, fostering) across the world then please do email me at
As always, many thanks to all the grown ups in my life that pushed me, picked me up, pointed me in the right direction and pushed me again. You know who you are.
She dug him in the ribs with her elbow and he gave her the side eye.
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I’d been explaining, so one parent looks at the other and thinks:
‘They’re far to soft on our kid, how are they going to function in the real world, I’ll tighten up some boundaries, rules and expectations to get the kid back on track.’
The other parent looks back and thinks:
‘They’re like a camp commandant, I’ll cut the kid a bit more slack to compensate for them, this kid needs a bit more flexibility and understanding.’
Slowly these positions embed, views are exacerbated by time and experience and inevitable the gap between parents gets wider.
Folks have often come to my talks expecting or hoping for a magical formulae for getting complicated children to bed on time, eat their greens and stop what can be often complex, challenging, aggressive and/or violent behaviour.
They did not come for relationship advice or insight. But that’s where we’re at in the talk, the rib dig and side eye moment. I’d been talking about the impact on relationships of parenting complicated children. For many couples the very foundation of their relationship is significantly undermined by the complexity, relentlessness and personally challenging nature of caring for children with histories of adversity, complex trauma, neurodivergent and with complex needs. Behaviour can be complex, physically and emotionally challenging. A hairline crack in a relationship can be exacerbated to breaking point, sometimes it does break.
I recall talking to an adoptive parent about the challenges of raising a child with difficult behaviour, without prompting the conversation turned to their partner. We don’t see eye to eye any more and we can’t talk about it. We don’t argue about anything other than our child.
There are no magic formulas for managing children’s challenging and aggressive behaviour, but before we get to child we need to attend to our relationship. Is it easy? no. Do I have all the answers? Nope. I do know honest conversations sometimes need to be had, sometimes with the help of professionals to reconnect us with our loved ones to agree boundaries, approaches and how to work together.
As they say, a house divided against itself cannot stand. (Abraham Lincoln. Luke 3:25)
Sitting with parents of children with challenging, violent and aggressive behaviour this week was an absolute pleasure in the worst sense of the word.
I wish we did not have to be there, but we were and we made the most of it.
It’s an easy group to facilitate, in that people just talk to one another and that is often enough. We supply the coffee, biscuits and a roof over their heads.
We don't need to begin because immediately people relax and start to talk to one another and genuine and warm connection happens.
The moment of eye contact and the knowing nod of the hear, people agree and say ‘yes, that’s us, I feel that’ the isolation thaws in the warmth of company that does not just intellectually understand but ‘gets it’, I mean really ‘gets it’.
Today the conversation eases towards connection, everyone in the room describes the slow constriction of their social networks, the fracture in relationships and the separation that they live in as they care for their child. Children whose version of normal isn't, children who break your best friends vase or get their cousin in a full nelson on a back garden bouncy castle.
As we talk the conversations coagulate around this disconnection from the world around, this othering that acts as a lens to focus the isolation even further.
Worlds that have become small.
Fractures in relationships that we relied upon in previous times, times before complicated children.
We are a tribe now, all our stories are different, adoption, biological, kinship, fostering. We walk the same path but we are connected.
Peer support is often characterised in professional circles as the cherry on the cake of adoption support, an added extra so to say. However, I increasingly believe it's the cake, interventions are good but they are a moment in time, peer support is often woven into every day and minute.
To finish I mangled a quote from brighter minds
For families peer support can offer a culture of hope, resilience and 'normality' as opposed to a culture of hopelessness, isolation and a sense being perpetually on the outside of society.*
* the original quote is in relation to adult mental health 'Peer support can offer a culture of health and ability as opposed to a cul ture of “illness” and disability' Curtis, L. C. (1999). Modeling Recovery: Consumers as Service Providers in Behavioral Healthcare. National CouncilNews, pp. 7-9. Rockville, MD: National Council for Community Behavioral Healthcare.
The desire to be heard seems fundamental to who we are. In the book 'Sapiens' Yuval Harari explains that the telling of stories defines us and sets us apart from all other animals. It allows connection and helps us organise and co operate.
It's clear to me for that to be true then our stories need to be heard, we need to be heard, we need to be able to tell our stories.
Scrolling and occasionally doomscrolling through the various social media feeds I’m connected into and the need to be heard and to be listened to bounces off the screen. So many of those that post articulate that they have not been heard, by family, friends and services. They talk of being judged, misrepresented or misunderstood. Living with children with complex needs and the associated risks for challenging and complex behaviour is the norm amongst adoption, foster care, kinship, SEN and guardianship communities. The consequences for the adults so frequently is isolation, blame, shame consequently compounding challenges being faced.
A common thread amongs these communities is the experience of 'not being listened to'.
Being heard or listened to isn't a substitute for tangible actual help but without it then there's limited chance that we'll even get to the start line of help. Being sent on courses that don't fit, being disbelieved or judgements being made on limited information are all too common in these communities and the underpinning issue is a lack of listening. Admittedly, some people caught in the maelstrom of child to parent violence or childhood challenging violent and aggressive behaviour struggle to articulate what is happening and what it's doing to them. But still they need to be listened to. Often as professionals we are waiting for our turn to talk rather than listen.
I've been social worked and I can tell when they aren't that interested in my story.
Now I sit on the other side of the curtain, I'm invited to speak to parents and carers to offer help and insight. It's not an easy spot to be in, the issues are complex, multilayered. The solutions are often bespoke as we try to turn downward spiralling systems around while propping up struggling adults and expect them to work towards change.
I often enter into these situations with fear and trepidation but often it's simple.
Shut up and listen.
The effect is often remarkable.
'You get it' and 'You understand' are often the phrases used.
Perhaps then I tell a little of my own story and there's a palpable sigh of relief.
The message is clear, 'You're not alone'.
We look for stories like ours to make sense of our stories, validate our feelings and legitimise our thoughts.
Telling our stories and hearing others' stories connects us.
This is a complex world and if you're living with a child with high levels of need and behaviour that can be challenging then it can be hard to navigate amongs families living in the 'normal'.
I've been blessed having had some amazing professionals and that I felt heard was often the magic ingredient. We need professionals that can listen and listen without limits, be curious and acknowledge peoples' stories and connect.
Been a really interesting and busy week in terms of the Adoption Crisis report that Fiona Wells et al. produced. We've spoken to the great and the good across several meetings and had some very informed and productive meetings.
There's not one person that doesn't see the issues or isn't aware of the challenges that many families face.
The Julie Selwyn 'Beyond the Adoption Order' report from 2014 loomed large over the conversations, are we still looking at one third of adoptive families in crisis, one third with some struggle and one third doing ok. I'd say probably that's just a view from here.Childhood Challenging Violent and Aggressive Behaviour is complex, it's emotive, its scary. It's challenging for professionals to walk into a home and unpick the murky soup of trauma, behaviour, biology, history, family etc.
It seems like a little overstatement but picking up the phone to ask for help can be one of the hardest things we do as a family. Beyond the usual barriers, shame, guilt and embarrassment, the uncertainty of what the response will be can strike absolute terror into the heart of any parent or carer.
This picking up the phone and 'rolling the dice' is what we do as we don't know who will come or what they'll do.
We've had some amazing professional involvement, which bizarrely we take full credit for*. We've put in the legwork, built the relationships, worked hard at effective communication (and occasionally education). Being honest we've also seen professionals step up and step in when needed and it's been a life saver, those good ones are worth all the gold in the world.
When it's not been so great it's rarely been intentional but more often professionals finding themselves in situations that they're not equipped or trained for. Of course, sometimes it's just plainly outside of the remit of the agency or they have a lack of resources or capacity for complex work. Mostly the come in and say, 'I'll need to talk to my manager'.
This week two people contacted me, they'd 'rolled the dice'. For one it went much better than expected, they'd held off for months, absorbed behaviour, violence, aggression for fear of not knowing who will come and it fell favourably. For the other, not so well. Veiled concerns over their parenting, what was going on, ineffectual collaboration between professionals, confusion over roles, a mess added to a mess. Worse still families drawn into child safeguarding at the expense of adult safeguarding. (Note: Everyone needs safeguarding often)
If we can believe that the prevalence of #CCVAB #CPV is between 3% and 10% in the general population and higher in specific cohorts (SGO, SEN, LAC, PLAC) then the powers that be need to take this seriously. It may not be present in every case a children/families/adoption/SGO/LAC social worker has but it will be a feature of some families. We need the profession to build on the knowledge base and be more effective at supporting families and offering effective solutions. At least we need specialists within LA/RAAs to be available to consult with frontline social workers, offer support and guidance.
Families should not feel like they roll the dice when they pick up the phone to ask for help. I know the solutions are complex, messy and uncertain. However, the basics of listening, understanding and showing empathy and compassion should be our start point regardless and those be a foundation to build effective interventions off.
I'm being chased by a metaphoric and actual storm. On my bike heading to the station to catch a train a day early as LNER have informed me it's all gonna go 'Pete Tong' due to storm Eunice.
The phone rings, I pull up and take the call.
It's early help, the duty social worker is calling back after we called the duty team to ask them if the duty social worker that came out to see us after the allocated social worker had been unavailable after they'd not come out for two weeks after they had promised cos a thing had happened to them, anyway this duty worker has spoken to that duty worker who had come out and now she understands why we called.
Yeah, you know how it works.
We talked, I explained, she understood. She said there's been a referral for early help.
Time slowed, I chose my words carefully.
"Actually, at the fear of becoming the person that doesn't want early help causing an escalation in concerns, can I say that I don't want early help and I won't be having it thanks....................."
"Ah, ok." was the reply, phew we dodged a bullet. We talked some more and I made sense of why a referral had been made and why we'd asked for it to be made. It's all a bit of a dance.
It is worth noting that MrsC's views on the impact of an earlier early help 'intervention' if articulated in full would make a pirate blush.
System Literacy is a real thing, as a parent with ongoing social care involvement it's the difference between disaster and success. We know it's a terrible thing to fall into the hands of an angry social care system.
A couple of years ago I spent two hours on the phone to a friend walking her through roles and responsibilities, pitfalls and dangers encouraging openness but warning against naivety, how to speak, how not to speak and how to get help and not get trouble.
Adoptive parents understand that they will need to support thier children and hopefully they are prepared to do so in the process. We need to prepare and support them for the lifetime of professional interactions, how do dance with services, how to advocate and keep our children safe.
There you go a little story from my day.
In most every way it's obvious, any group that has a significant life altering legislative and policy framework dedicated to them which has lifelong fundamental implications for them and their dependents and forebears should have some influence over it.
Well, apparently it's not so obvious.
Adoptee representation within the system has been missing, of course there's individuals that have worked within the system and brought personal experience and perspective to bear but rarely do we see systemic representation of adoptees in policy context.
We do get 'adoptee of the month' invited into roundtables or events, willing participants at Adoption Prep groups or the like and of course groups for young adoptees frequently given opportunities at events and conferences. All of that is welcome, but it's adoptees by permission, open to the accusation of being curated by adoptive parents or adoption agencies to ensure that they don't stray too far from the adoption orthodoxy. Or at worst young voices welcomed but given no permission or possibility to affect change or influence power.
Of course any 'service user' consultation is challenging, fraught with diverse views and perspectives, disagreements and complications.
For example, what knowledge to adoptees have of the actual system? often too young or not privy to the forms, processes or paths that their adoptive parents travailed.
For example, if you were adopted in the 60's or 70's how relevant is your perspective on the Virtual School role for previous looked after children in high school?
Adopted adults views change and flex but that true of every human that ever lived.
All the above are reasonable points when considering adoptee input into the current system.
But it's all nonsense given my first paragraph, even if the role and influence is limited it's time for adoptees to come into the rooms where policy and practice are discussed.
We owe those that have found themselves cast into this system a voice in its running. Those that have passed through it need to be listened to, it may not be comfortable, it may not be pretty, but it may not be that hard and we may find areas where adult adoptees can improve and direct us to a better way of caring for children who can not and should not live with their biological families.
I say all this not as an adoptee but a witness to the adoptee experience and I'd argue that is valid enough but again I'm a palatable voice that may be too bland for some and too spiked for others.
Anything new, anything different, anything out of the ordinary set his ‘survival brain’ into overdrive.
We’d learnt his preferred response to ‘anything new’ if he was in public was ‘to freeze’ or ‘to flop’.
If a stranger spoke to him, for example in a shop, he’d simply stare until they went away.
It’s quite effective, even if it appears a bit rude.
If the stranger continued to probe, he’d put his hooded anorak over his head.
If he was with us, in our home, he’d fight.
‘Fighting’ could involve biting, kicking, swearing and smashing stuff up.
‘Throwing things’ was pretty popular too.
He had never resorted to ‘flight’.
‘Flight’ would mean he’d be on his own and he was too scared for that.
My wife and I began to hatch a little plan about how we’d handle the first day of term at his new school.
We’d worry about the second day later.
There was little point in getting ahead of ourselves!
The fist part of the plan had been to casually introduce familiarity.
We’d taken him to his new school for an open day.
We’d shown him the school website.
We engaged in as much of the school’s transition activities as possible.
His new school was a couple of miles away and we drove that way a few times over the summer.
We didn’t say we were visiting his new school, rather the pub opposite.
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| If you’ve experienced massive amounts of trauma and fear, particularly at a young age, your amygdala will kick in very quickly, often when it’s not warranted. |
We popped in for coke and crisps.
We played on the slide.
We hoped that the area would appear less threatening.
We hoped that we would make his ‘first day journey’ less terrifying.
We hardly mentioned school at all over the summer holiday.
We knew there’d be questions we couldn’t answer, and we knew that would add to the anxiety.
We bought school uniform and equipment via the internet.
We had decided that his new school bag would in fact be his brother’s old school bag.
We’d negotiated with his school, that contrary to some regulations, he’d be packing a variety of fidget
toys and favourite phone cases.
The Little Man knew this was happening but we made as little a deal out of it as possible.
We hid our own fears and anxieties.
We only discussed what we’d do in whispered tones when he was busy watching YouTube clips with his headphones on.
He had some trust in us.
He didn’t need to know that we didn’t know everything, although he probably had his suspicions.
On the ‘big day’, we divided the tasks.
We decided I’d be responsible for getting him ‘there’ on the first morning.
If that went successfully, I’d be responsible for bringing him ‘back’.
We knew he’d respond best if only one person was in charge.
We knew we’d respond best if only one of us had to make the decisions.
Everyone else’s task was to keep out of the way.
We kept everything as low key and as unemotional as possible.
As our birth kids and my wife left the house on that September morning, we avoided any overt show of emotion or goodbyes.
We did not take a ‘first day photo’ on the ‘first day’.
With just the two of us in the house, we got dressed, we ate breakfast, and we watched Paw Patrol.
“We are going now. You can sit in the front or in the back of the car. It’s your choice”
I knew that giving him some autonomy may help calm him.
“I’m not going”.
His response was the one I’d dreaded but I didn’t let my face show it.
I got the car keys, opened the front door and turned the alarm on.
I left the house and got in the car.
My face was still impassive.
As the 30 second beep countdown urged us to leave the house, he appeared at the front door.
He appeared beside me on the passenger seat.
“Please be in charge of the radio”.
He chose the familiarity of Radio 2.
Astute readers will have noticed that whilst our house alarm was on, our front door was still open.
This was a risk I was willing to take.
The seven minute journey to school passed without incident.
I chose not to speak.
I let Chris Evans and Coldplay fill the silence.
On arrival, there was another minor stand off.
He didn’t want to get out of the car, so I just got out and walked away.
I was pretty sure he’d follow me and I was right.
As we reached the school gate I handed him my phone.
“I will meet you here when school ends. You can give me my phone back then”.
A few hours later I met him at the appointed time and place.
He returned my phone with a nod.
When he wasn’t looking, I took the SIM card out of my ‘back up phone’ and slid it back into the phone that he’d been minding for me all day.
I’m not completely daft!
You can view Phil's blog here - Fostering & Adopting with Phil
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